Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 904
I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn’t even have attempted it.
There are three things Jewish people worship - God, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
I often warn people: somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, "There is no "I" in team." What you should tell them is, "Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity."
I may not be smart enough to debate you point-for-point on this, but I have the feeling about 60% of what you say is crap.
You break up with us, we get drunk and then stand on your lawn, and then a cop comes. I'll be like, 'Oh, this is over! I get it. It's over. Gotcha.'
You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it.
The first time probably people really were aware of me, I unfortunately had the title of Showtime's Funniest Person in America. And that's a really tough title to travel around with when you're not even known.
Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show.
My daughter’s tricycle said “Some Assembly Required.” It came in a jar.
Hell, when I was in high school, a "drive-by shooting" meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window!
This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill you.
Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.