Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 903

I'm sure that Jesus was an incredible person.

I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.

I listened to Jack Benny on the radio last night, he was so funny I dropped my pad and pencil.

In every circle of friends there's always that one person everyone secretly hates. Don't have one? Then it's probably you.

Who needs sleep? I laugh in the face of sleep!

Ebony and Ivory. No more racism now. That one’s done.

If I wasn't a comic or TV star, I really wanted to be a photojournalist.

I just tied a string around my penis so I don't forget it.

I feel like people who don’t brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they’re hiding something more even exciting.

The summit, which is set up to educate people about managing their money and protecting their income, leads to empowerment of self, for which this summit needs to be applauded.

Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That’s a unique way to cover up herpes.

I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.

Try not to be four years into a relationship when it suddenly dawns on you that the guy you're with is a big, selfish jerk.

Yesterday the Iraqis and U. S. troops pulled down a giant statue of Saddam Hussein. They pull it down and it lands right on top of Geraldo.