Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 903

I know that every time I list something that I am, I am potentially alienating a whole group of people. Publicists and managers will encourage you not to say what political party you belong to, what you eat, what you don't eat, who you sleep with and all that stuff.

You break up with us, we get drunk and then stand on your lawn, and then a cop comes. I'll be like, 'Oh, this is over! I get it. It's over. Gotcha.'

The currency of this show is your own head. They've established a certain structure here, but it's still in evolution.

Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show.

My daughter’s tricycle said “Some Assembly Required.” It came in a jar.

Like most sharks, Margaret liked to think of herself as a victim of the cruel sea.

I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

I know her in the biblical sense…and when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word she says.

Black people love the Price Is Right.  A negro might not know how to read, but he knows how much Rice-a-Roni costs.

We always feel better in anticipation. You don't think about something and think "Aw, it's gonna be shitty." No! You say "This is gonna be the greatest weekend ever! Sonuvabitch!" And then, by Monday, you're throwing up and you're thinking "You know, I always thought those guys were pricks!"

If you want to recapture your youth, just cut off his allowance.

What is a home without children? Quiet.

I’m no sellout, literally.

I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.