Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 908
I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies.
A Libyan rebel has admitted to killing Moammar Gadhafi. He said he shot Gadhafi twice in the temple, to which Michele Bachmann said, "I didn't even know the guy was Jewish."
You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
Several weeks ago, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford disappeared without explanation for five days. Now of course, as it turns out, he didn't really disappear. It turns out he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Which is a trail that starts in Maine and ends in an Argentine woman's vagina.
When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.
Even after 9/11, during the darkest moment of our recent history, the President told us, “Go shopping.” That's how we were told to uphold American values; go out and fucking buy more shit. So what were we supposed to do?
Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.
Without the laughs, the audience wouldn’t be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
If I had butterscotch pants and a cheetah sweater... I'd be just fine.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.