Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 908
Nobody talks about sex in Scotland. Scottish gynecologists don't even talk about sex. It's just like: 'Get up on the table there, Mrs. Henderson. Lift up your skirt. We'll take a look at your magic baby door.'
Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked.
That's how I meet new men. The minute it says 'Sadie Schwartz' I know, 'Go to that funeral.'
What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don’t have to exercise a constitutional right just because you have it. You have the constitutional right to run for president of the United States, but most people have too much sense to insist on exercising it.
I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says "You using the phone?" "Nope, I'm superman, i am just looking for my costume." Here's your sign!
If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you.
What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?
It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.
Ros was dead. He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall.
If I've learned anything in my 30s, it's about holding back a little bit.
If I wasn't a comic or TV star, I really wanted to be a photojournalist.
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
You have to fail, man, but you cannot allow failure to stop you from doing what you must do. Failing is just as good as succeeding in a lot of ways. It’s how you react to it all. You can react to success the wrong way and be a total failure. Or you can react to losing with your whole heart, learn from it, and be a huge success. In stand-up, I’ve learned to know when I’m burning it up or when I’m being so-so. That’s experience. I learn every single time I’m on a stage.