Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 908

I told my neighbor I was going to be on the Conan O'Brien Show, and he was like, "Yeah, right." I said, "No, I am." He goes, "So do something only you and I would understand." *looks into camera and stops playing piano* I know you stole my rake.

She is nearing forty and not so easily forgiven as when her skin bloomed like roses.

All my wife wanted for Valentine’s Day was a little card – American Express.

I’m the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.

On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks.

Valentine’s Day is like Armistice Day – you declare a truce.

If there is reincarnation and I come back as myself, I'll kill myself.

There are flaws in the way politics is reported in this country today and we should do something about it, ... Radio and television coverage of politics doesn't see its role as a mission to explain, but to destroy, in a pernicious culture in which journalists pit themselves against politicians.

Life's too short to be an asshole, as an employer or as an employee.

I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.

If you open your mind too much, your brains will fall out.

What a fergalicious day were having!

It’s too difficult to convey tone in electronic communication. And we can solve this my friends. All we need is some new fonts.

Just to be on the front row here is a bit of a prize in itself.

I've learned the hard way. Now I only strive for imperfection.