Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 919
I’d like to punch out a really old lady. There’d be no repercussions.
When I was a little kid I always wanted to be ginger. My best friend was ginger and he was pretty cool.
Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as "a stroke of luck". Of course, by "luck" they mean "horrible paralysis."
I never go perform somewhere alone. I've done that since day one. I've always taken other comics with me.
I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!
Nobody talks about sex in Scotland. Scottish gynecologists don't even talk about sex. It's just like: 'Get up on the table there, Mrs. Henderson. Lift up your skirt. We'll take a look at your magic baby door.'
A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"
Breaking News : Prince Harry met some children yesterday who`d been blown up in landmines. "How do you cope being legless everyday?" the kids asked Harry.
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
In New York, we're out of road salt. So for the next big storm they have to use parmesan cheese.
"What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom." Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 yrs that hasn't just depressed me more.
You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to watch the dog doing them.
'Green Screen' was a total experiment. I'm glad we did it, but it was just tough on that network to get it going.