Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 919

So it's dark and the movie already started. And that first part of the movie is always some fucking cave scene and you're just like, "Can they just flashback to a beach scene for like ten god damn seconds?"

Just to be on the front row here is a bit of a prize in itself.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was shout for help.

You don't run into ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends when you're looking good and want to. Last time I ran into an ex-boyfriend was at three o'clock in the morning at Rite Aid, as I'm ringing up Gas X and corn removers. And I'm like, 'Hey, you. What's up? These are for my grandmother, that old bitch.' He's like, 'Aren't they both dead?' I'm like, 'One of them came back, OK? And she's sick.'

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he’s been pushed for money ever since.

All of those things make it look like a really hard transaction to pull off. But it can be done.

My biggest problem is retaining the exact information.

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

I have a theory that the Internet makes people stupider - and also FOX News makes people stupider.

I don't like throwing myself in a place that's going to rock my world.

You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.

The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

I'm a one-man idiot.