Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 919
My grandmother was a Jewish juggler: she used to worry about six things at once.
Hello niggas, Hello bitches! Ladies I hope you don't mind me calling you bitches cuz I don't know you all by name.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?
He comes back with the script, and it's racist like a 1940's Newspaper.
Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.
And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.
The N-Word. And everyone says, “Don’t say it again. We should put a moratorium on it, because it’s a bad word.”... You see, it’s not bad to me because I don’t know any and I’ve never been one.
Being an actor is easy, just picture someone in a room and you outside waiting for your cue to go in. Elliot Gould's been trying that for forty years.
There was this whole middle time that only Chris Rock came out of, you know, 10 years ago it was Chris and a few other people, but that's about it. Chris is in a class of his own; I don't see another comedian who I put in high regard as him.
When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me.