Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 920
I dated one guy from every race. Y’know, except the Asian guys because nobody wants that. C’mon, I’m trying to have an orgasm not have my computer fixed.
My wife and I have been together for 11 years, and seven of those married. We got married on 07/07/07. We support each other 150 percent. We have fun. We are a modern-day Sonny & Cher. I don’t sing. My wife sings. We’re so different, but so alike. We got that ying and yang thing going on. You see it, but you don’t know how it works.
That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.
Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.
You have to fail, man, but you cannot allow failure to stop you from doing what you must do. Failing is just as good as succeeding in a lot of ways. It’s how you react to it all. You can react to success the wrong way and be a total failure. Or you can react to losing with your whole heart, learn from it, and be a huge success. In stand-up, I’ve learned to know when I’m burning it up or when I’m being so-so. That’s experience. I learn every single time I’m on a stage.
I'm not on a diet. And it’s funny cause people go ‘Well, then why do you drink diet soda?’ So I can eat regular cake.
Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.
If I could rent someone else's subconscious occasionally maybe I could get a decent night's sleep.
You might be a redneck if your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
Nissan is designing a car that will read the driver’s mind. I already know what I’m going to do. I want a car that will read the other guy’s mind.