Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 920

President Bush spoke with the Amish. He didn't want to, but it was the only group he could find that wasn't upset about the high price of gas.

I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.

The other day I was sitting on the stoop. That’s a stupid nick-name. I’m mean my Aunt Bessie.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Moshe Dayan, who donated his eye to CBS. Never got a dinner!

I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.

I went on a hardcore drinking and smoking binge. It lasted right about nine months. And then as soon as I was born, I was like, “Do not go in there.”

Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.

There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.

You ever in a relationship you argue so much that how you remember where you were? “Didn’t we argue here once? Didn’t you threaten to walk home?”

I should be European, man. I'm long and lean. I'd look good in a trench coat.

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.

Women put guys through tests all the time.

I would describe my spirituality as exactly the opposite of having a religious affiliation.