Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 920
That's how I meet new men. The minute it says 'Sadie Schwartz' I know, 'Go to that funeral.'
Sometimes, to help someone you love, you have to commit a felony. But, you don't want to go to prison for that. "Hey, dude, what are you in for? Armed robbery? Murder?" And then, you have to say, "Love." And, that's definitely going to get you, you know, picked last for prison kick ball.
On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.
My fans are pretty normal, they are always really nice and polite, and they don't interrupt my meals.
I stopped having intimacy problems when my lovers did impressions of other women.
You can’t take everything that is offered to you. I pass on a lot of stuff, because I truly believe that I will shine better if I could do it 200 percent rather than do it 80 percent and make it so-so.
I noticed recently, in the last few shows I did, that I'm starting to get people - not a large group, but quite a few people - who come to see me because they love Curb Your Enthusiasm.
Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead.
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
Me and Abed have an agreement. If one of us dies, we stage it to look like a suicide due to the unjust cancellation of Firefly.
I grew up poor… I grew up the baby of eight kids. We grew up in a two bedroom house. Mama didn’t have to worry about a curfew. You came up late, you didn’t have a bed.
Going there is paying your dues. You always have to pay your dues... You've just got to do it. Maybe I come from a working family. Maybe it's the voice of my mom saying, 'You've always got to be nice to people.' I look at it as saying it's going to be fun. Those people are going to be really, really happy.
Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.