Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 918
I don’t understand the whole concept of a massage. You get a woman to rub all over every single part of your body except the one part you really want rubbed on.
Is it just me or is gas high?.. They ain’t been a drive-by for three weeks. You hear niggas going, “I can’t afford to kill that motherfucker! I can’t!”
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
It’s too difficult to convey tone in electronic communication. And we can solve this my friends. All we need is some new fonts.
I don't like throwing myself in a place that's going to rock my world.
The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.
"I’m glad Carol Vorderman has left Countdown, I mean it’s not like she did much. She was effectively just an autistic shelf-stacker."
You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic.
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.
For some reason I did something where I realized I could get a reaction. That was when I broke out of my shell at school, because I really didn't have any friends or anything like that and I just kind of was going along, and then finally I did this zany thing, and all of a sudden I had tons of friends.
Oh, God! Get me out of this Paris Hilton-Lindsay Lohan-Kim Kardashian, talentless slut decade!
Did you know that diarrhea can actually kill you? Even if you only drink a little bit.
I view a visit to the therapist in much the same way that I view a visit to the hairdresser. When I leave the office, my head looks great. Around an hour later it’s all fucked up and I can’t get it to look that way again on my own.