Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 918

Ocean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well you, apparantly, 'cause you're watching me.

I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity.

I don't get it, how does a guy look at his girlfriend without doubling over?

We started to see less and less of each other. And that’s when I knew it was quicksand.

So it's dark and the movie already started. And that first part of the movie is always some fucking cave scene and you're just like, "Can they just flashback to a beach scene for like ten god damn seconds?"

[Worst Thing to Hear Over a Tannoy System] Ladies and gentlemen, we all know there will be a bomb on the Tube… but will it be today?

“(reading email) ‘Great party Arj. Best party ever.’ What a jerk!”

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

I want you to be yourself, but not with other dudes.

While my fervent hope is we can get the entire amount. I think we need to have some idea what we would lose.

I'm sure everyone in this room has been told a joke about that subject. I have many times and I've laughed, even though they are horrifying and shocking... I think there's no boundary at all, whether it's that subject or another.

Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.

I've no desire to hang around with a bunch of upper-class delinquents, do twenty minutes' work and then spend the rest of the day loafing about in Paris drinking gallons of champagne and having dozens of moist, pink, highly experienced French peasant girls galloping up and down my - hang on...

"I’m glad Carol Vorderman has left Countdown, I mean it’s not like she did much. She was effectively just an autistic shelf-stacker."

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.