Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 918
"I" equals all of the "ifs" added up over time. The "ifs," those are the possibilities; that’s infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that’s finite for each of us; there is no question there. Maybe if you divide "choices" by the amount of time you have, the real "I" can emerge, depending upon those choices.
The hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a 'famous person'.
I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.
Try not to be four years into a relationship when it suddenly dawns on you that the guy you're with is a big, selfish jerk.
So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.
I told my neighbor I was going to be on the Conan O'Brien Show, and he was like, "Yeah, right." I said, "No, I am." He goes, "So do something only you and I would understand." *looks into camera and stops playing piano* I know you stole my rake.
Tonight we set aside petty differences, forget old feuds and start new ones.
All my wife wanted for Valentine’s Day was a little card – American Express.
But isn't there something wrong when I'm the only guy in the country that got fired for 9/11?
China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that’s only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that’s not going to happen.
Housewife porn is the only morally appropriate kind, because they're all in healthy, committed relationships.
Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.
You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
My name is Adam. My father’s name is Adam. Having the same name as your father, it’s alright until your voice changes. My friends would always call up, “Is Adam there?” My father would say, “This is Adam.” My friends would say, “Adam, you were so wasted last night.”