Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 954
I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the "Death Star." I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.
I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it's not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.
If we did a reunion show we should do it now and show it in 10 years just so everybody still looks good.
I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.
Why don't you get me a gift? I'm still single! I don't know if you can register at a liquor store, but I would like to try.
In talking to girls I could never remember the right sequence of things to say. I'd meet a girl and say, "Hi, was it good for you too?" If a girl spent the night, I'd wake up in the morning and then try to get her drunk.
At first the difference will be in whatever atmosphere I bring into it. It's not going to be like, 'I really want to do The Daily Show and I'd love to turn it into an abstract musical.' I like the format and the chance to satirize the news.
Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market.
Thirty-six percent of Americans say that they've heard the voice of God. It's not clear of that 36% how many people are mistaking the voice of God for the voice of Morgan Freeman. That's an easy mistake to make.
My last name is Szekely. Sounds like Saykay. When I was a little kid I had an instructor in camp who called me Shnizneckely. He would make fun of my name and it hurt my feelings because I was a little pussy and I cried. He said, 'Well, how do you say it?' I said, Seekay. So he wrote 'C.K' on my jersey and everything. He made my name 'C.K' and I just stuck with it.
You ever been on a date so bad, the girl makes you drop her off at another dude’s house?
Not a Harvard-type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.
More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had.
The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.