Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 954
Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.
My cat, Ethel, is an indoor cat but somehow she's sneakin' out at night. 'Cause the other morning I found a stamp on her paw... I wouldn't have noticed myself, but I just bought this new black light and she passed right under it and I said, 'Hey, what's that on you paw?'
Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.
I'm trying hard not to use a specific reference, but you'll probably know it's you after the first sentence.
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.
The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.
My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.
Apparently there is no profit in the unique, or not enough to make it worthwhile to preserve. Ultimately it drains the life out of us, and existentialism starts to make more and more sense.
Movies have takes. But plays are like life - you don't really get takes.
Nissan is designing a car that will read the driver’s mind. I already know what I’m going to do. I want a car that will read the other guy’s mind.
In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn't have a boyfriend. She said, "I'm keeping my options open." And by options, she meant legs.