Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 953
I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck.
I am the the type to have a personal experience with a celebrity, but I'm too classy to bring that up.
A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake mommy before noon.
I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
Everyone is coming from a place of fear and my feeling is stop being so afraid. If something doesn’t work then that’s fine at least then you know it doesn’t work. Don’t worry so much about it not working, you can always fix that.
Scotland is a much lighter and more fun place than I thought it was. I was miserable when I was there. But it wasn't Scotland's fault. It was my circumstances. I was - I hate to say the word humbled - but that's what it felt like. I was wrong about this place. This is a great place full of very fun people.
A new study says by 2030 household robots will dominate every phase of our lives. The study says the No. 1 field for robot growth is medicine. That makes sense. Robots already perform well in surgery. That is, until there is a power outage. Then it’s just a coat rack leaning over you as you bleed to death.
The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.
After all, once you've driven your drunk father to your mom's parole hearing, what else is there?
These times are much franker. For example, in the first movie we have to assume that the daughter and the son-in-law who got married were lovers before they got married. That could never have been in the '50s.