Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 953

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

I had to move in with my girlfriend... It was very successful and we lived very happily in domestic bliss and harmony... for 13 days.

Sobriety is something you do for yourself. I sure don't miss blackouts but the downside is having the clarity to know who I am.

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

I never set out to do a sketch show.

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

You can never do jokes about somebody dying! Its disrespectful! How would you feel if you died?

This person at the next table is a fabulous drag queen. I didn't get it until I just looked up.

I do pauses, pauses work for me

I shouldn’t say bad stuff about illiterate people. I should write it.

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

My first year on 'SNL', I made $90,000 dollars.

Let me tell you something black people: If white people tell you they never use the N-word, they’re lying to your face. Either that, or they’ve never bet a $1,000 on an NBA game.