Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 953
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
Fang came home loaded one night, went into the closet and said: "Third floor, please."
I know they don’t recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.
The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.
My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.
One phrase you don’t want kicking off your obituary is, "Never, in the long history of bungee jumping…"
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.
If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it -- build a house! Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.
Let me tell you something black people: If white people tell you they never use the N-word, they’re lying to your face. Either that, or they’ve never bet a $1,000 on an NBA game.
I'm thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.