Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 955

I am constantly amazed by Tina Fey. And I am Tina Fey.

There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.

Just ’cause you can’t control yours, don’t throw us all out!

I’m actually thinking of getting a dog. My parents actually said to me the other day, “Your little apartment? That’s a horrible, terrible place for a dog.” Yeah, but I live there. At least the dog doesn’t have to shave in the toilet like I do.

You might be a redneck if on stag night, you take a real deer.

Now I'm used to my daily, almost hourly, outrage at what's happening in this country.

You might be a redneck if you think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

Behind the counter, another eighteen-year-old kid. Both ears-pierced. Both nostrils-pierced. Both eyebrows fucking pierced! And his tongue is hanging out, you know why his tongue is hanging... cuz he has a six-inch steel stud imbedded in the middle of it! That's just one more thing for your dad to grab a hold of when he's pissed off at you.

I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. And that's really it. You know, if I really wanted to enact social change I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.

I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?

Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left.

You might be a redneck if you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.