Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 955

My only problem with white men is y’all don’t know how to break up with a bitch. Shit! I watch the crime channel…. I’m gonna tell you the difference in black women and white women. See, black women, we don’t allow our men to come home with duct tape if shit ain’t broke.

Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, "Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards."

I like the mocha cappuccino orgasm myself.

And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".

So I went to a club the other day, which is timely because my self esteem had been hovering right around ‘normal’ and I had been meaning to knock it down to negative 1000.

I can do most anything and not have a problem with it. The only time I have negative attention is when I run naked through the streets brandishing a handgun.

It shows exactly what you can do if you're a total psychotic.

Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?

I would prefer to be well-liked in any and all situations.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.

You might be a redneck if your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

Behind the counter, another eighteen-year-old kid. Both ears-pierced. Both nostrils-pierced. Both eyebrows fucking pierced! And his tongue is hanging out, you know why his tongue is hanging... cuz he has a six-inch steel stud imbedded in the middle of it! That's just one more thing for your dad to grab a hold of when he's pissed off at you.