Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 955

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Kangoroos can't hop backwards.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

Crazy? ... Maybe. But that's a good kind of crazy. It's a guy who knows what he wants.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I'm not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do.

President Bush spoke with the Amish. He didn't want to, but it was the only group he could find that wasn't upset about the high price of gas.

I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck.

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake mommy before noon.

If a parsley farmer loses a law suit, do they garnish his wages?

All bitches have a heart.

After all, once you've driven your drunk father to your mom's parole hearing, what else is there?

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.