Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 960
Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead.
He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in...
I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid that I am now? I don't know. Getting taller helps. It spreads out a bit.
The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.
I shouldn’t say bad stuff about illiterate people. I should write it.
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
No, I did not really punch the woman in the Honeymooners bit. We had a makeup artist punch her.
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
They should have a store next to the bookstore called the shit store where you can get shit books to read while on the shitter. No one reads great literature on the shitter.
While I am venting hey oil companies why does gas cost different in different parts of the country. It's the same freaking gas.
If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won’t keep you guessing, because he’ll want to make sure you don’ get frustrated and go away.