Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 960

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.

Why do kids always say peace out, I though peace was in.

They should have a store next to the bookstore called the shit store where you can get shit books to read while on the shitter. No one reads great literature on the shitter.

I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest. And that's why it feels like we are polarized.

I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.

I’m the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

They’re calling Hooters now a family restaurant. Isn’t that hilarious? Tits for the whole family!

To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of TV and don’t move.

You don’t get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

I have a lot of hostility.

Some people take the spelling bee very seriously. These people are called "parents of children in the spelling bee." They're trying to make up for their own childhood of crushed dreams and misspelled words.

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

If you’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog, you might be a redneck.