Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 960

I wanted my character to be accessible and nonthreatening.

It`s all been satirized for your protection.

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I’ll do anything for my wife, it’s turning out.

I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.

President Bush spoke with the Amish. He didn't want to, but it was the only group he could find that wasn't upset about the high price of gas.

There are packs of baboons running around Africa that take better care of themselves than we do. You know what health insurance is for me? I've got Band-Aids in my car.

I have a CD burner... My fireplace.

First grade show-and-tell, I taught the class to mix Long Island Iced Teas. From scratch.

I do a show. It comes on late at night on TV. And if that means I'm a late-night talk show host, then I guess I am, but in every other regard I resign my commission, I don't care for it.

The normal make a living, the deranged make history.

Scotland is a much lighter and more fun place than I thought it was. I was miserable when I was there. But it wasn't Scotland's fault. It was my circumstances. I was - I hate to say the word humbled - but that's what it felt like. I was wrong about this place. This is a great place full of very fun people.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.