Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 961
We wanted something different this year. We're still keeping the musicianship, as opposed to it being a jam band fest. There's also a lot more standard bluegrass acts and we've never had an act like Bobby McFerrin before. You don't have to be a bluegrass artist - you just have to be a great artist to fit in at Telluride.
You're still young. Being a true loser takes years of inaptitude.
It's common courtesy; he's doing most of the work; you've got to encourage him.
Michelangelo’s girlfriend, who said to Angelo, "Forget the paint – let’s put a mirror on the ceiling." Never got a dinner!
Love is like a lost fart… if you have to force it, then it’s probably shit.
I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.
I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.
Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don’t laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
This one kid said something that was really bad. He said I wasn't really black cause I had a dad.
When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. Some say, it's the only time we're perfect. You're also born covered in blood and placenta. No one gets nostalgic about that.
A well-known Huston stripper reportedly twerked so hard that she suffered a miscarriage on stage… Not the punchline. Because in her defense, she did tell everybody, ‘I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly’.
You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.
Anyone who says "I would never hit a woman" hasn't met my x girlfriend.