Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 961

The University of Ilinois has hired 15 women to smell pig manure all day so that researchers can find out what makes pig manure smell so bad. You know who I feel sorry for? The woman who applied for this job and got turned down.

Relationships are a lot like yard sales. They look really fun from a couple hundred feet away, but eventually you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need.

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

My mom had gossip dyslexia... she'd gossip in front of people's backs.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am all about money. I mean, just look how well my line of zodiac-inspired toe rings and homeopathic children’s medications are selling on Home Shopping Network.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

I can do most anything and not have a problem with it. The only time I have negative attention is when I run naked through the streets brandishing a handgun.

Male comics are always coming up to me, and they’re like, ‘Hey, Natasha, don’t you think you’re a little attractive to be a comedian?’ And I’m like, ‘Don’t you think you’re a little ugly to be talking to me?’

Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?

I would prefer to be well-liked in any and all situations.

You might be a redneck if your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?

Adam, who said to George Burns, "Dad, can I have my allowance?" Never got a dinner!

My dad's idea of a good time is to go to Sears and walk around.