Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 961
My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade.
I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.
Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market.
Thirty-six percent of Americans say that they've heard the voice of God. It's not clear of that 36% how many people are mistaking the voice of God for the voice of Morgan Freeman. That's an easy mistake to make.
You ever been on a date so bad, the girl makes you drop her off at another dude’s house?
I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees...
Elizabeth Taylor has a big heart. She recently built a halfway house for girls who don't want to go all the way.
You might be a redneck if your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You might be a redneck if you're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.
They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.
They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.