Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 969

I didn't know you could name a Puerto Rican 'Israel' 'cause I'm pretty sure you'll never meet a Jew named 'Puerto Rico.'

Jacques Cousteau, the last man to see Jimmy Hoffa. Never got a dinner!

If you're not a wreck in this business, you're not around.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Being famous is great, it's not like bad or horrible or anything.

I was a nerd growing up, and I'm a little antisocial and awkward.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

'Fang' is permanent in my act of course. Don't confuse him with my real husbands. They are temporary.

I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.

When I started stand-up, the first thing I did was to take an improv class.

Ma’am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?

We are just happy that we are here in Brazil and that this was a good ending.

I'm fortunate to know a lot of incredibly talented people, and they all want to be a penguin.

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

You might be a redneck if your toilet paper has page numbers on it.