Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 970

You might be a redneck if your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

If something’s neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.

I never take enough credit for my failures.

There's a point when you're famous and it's unbearable to go out because you're too famous. And there's a moment when you're famous just right.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

People are going to see both of us and think it`s an Abbott and Costello kind of thing. It`s not an easy switch. It`s not an easy transition from TV to film.

Has anyone ever tested your makeup for lead?

I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the "Death Star." I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.

Why would you listen to another human being tell you where you’re going to go when you die? <br /> “Dude, have you ever been dead?”<br /> “No.”<br /> “So, wouldn’t it be safe to assume that you wouldn’t have the slightest fucking idea what you’re talking about.”

Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by sleigh. He doesn’t use tracking numbers and doesn’t use trucks. He just uses midgets and a giant bag.

I bought a portable cable TV.

How do you lay low but still do your job? Try to stay out there without being out there like Jenny McCarthy?

In a Scottish opera, it ain't over 'till the fat lady bitch-slaps you.

My mom thinks my new daughter is exceptionally bright, because now she will lie on the floor and talk to the ceiling fan. I said, "Mom, Uncle Harold does that and y'all call him an alcoholic."