Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 983

Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!

Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"

Pardon me I've got nothing to say.

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.

I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

For me, it's that I contributed, ... That I'm on this planet doing some good and making people happy. That's to me the most important thing, that my hour of television is positive and upbeat and an antidote for all the negative stuff going on in life.

If Harry Potter's so magical, why can’t he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldn't need a broomstick to cling onto.

In a movie like this, the relationship between the two guys is crucial. It sinks or swims on how these two guys are together. I think we did a good job.

Some people say "don't use your personal life for comedic fodder". These people may be right, but I have no other life to use so fuck em.

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.

If I put forth a legitimate effort, then I feel like, if that doesn't work out, that's all I can do.

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

You're still young. Being a true loser takes years of inaptitude.

I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.