Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 983

If you want to elect Bush, that's the prick that I'm gonna yell about. If you want to elect John Kerry, I'm gonna be yelling about him. My problem is with authority.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction.

I have a car stereo that will leave messages. It’s got a manual two inches thick. The manual that came with my wife is smaller.

Even before I knew I was gay, I knew I didn't want to have a child. I knew I didn't want to have one. I never want to have to release it from me. Listen, I love babies. I love children. And I melt when I'm around them. I also love my freedom and I love that I can sleep at night.

I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.

I love stand-up and I haven't given it up.

There's a point when you're famous and it's unbearable to go out because you're too famous. And there's a moment when you're famous just right.

But seriously, I think overall in the scheme of things winning an Emmy is not important. Let's get our priorities straight. I think we all know what's really important in life - winning an Oscar.

... you've probably worked out by now that all our songs are ridiculously long to make up for the total lack of content.

Do you think that during the Dust Bowl in the 1930's in the Midwest people thought "Wow, this must be global warming" or did they just think "Fuck, it hasn't rained in a while."

[Seeing Benny's breast implants] My God, Mom! You swallowed a bouncy house!

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by sleigh. He doesn’t use tracking numbers and doesn’t use trucks. He just uses midgets and a giant bag.