Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 991

No matter how cynical you are, you can't keep up.

We’ve got stained glass windows in our house; it’s those damned pigeons.

Has anyone ever tested your makeup for lead?

And then I was like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are white people just psyched all the time?” It’s, like, “‘Back to the Future’! That’s us! ‘Godfather’! That’s us! ‘Godfather Part II’! That’s us! ‘Departed’! That’s us! ‘Sunset Boulevard’! That’s us! ‘Citizen Kane’! That’s us! ‘Jaws’! That’s us! Every fucking movie but ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ and ‘Boyz n the Hood’ is us! We are white people! Suck our dicks!”

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

Hooray for most things!

I do something about the weather. I stay home.

I would love to have the same rights as everybody else. I would love, I don't care if it's called marriage. I don't care if it's called, you know, domestic partnership. I don't care what it's called.

I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I'm gonna rip it off.

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only use travelers checks.

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

I'll tell you what can make bacon better... nothing.

I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.

iPod now has music on a fucking credit card. Eventually they'll have it so that you wear underwear and you just hear it in your head.