Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 991
I'll tell you, too, that's starting to depress me about UFO's, about the fact that they cross galaxies, or wherever they come from to visit us, and always end up in places like Fife, Alabama. Maybe these are not super-intelligent beings, man.
My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade.
The University of Ilinois has hired 15 women to smell pig manure all day so that researchers can find out what makes pig manure smell so bad. You know who I feel sorry for? The woman who applied for this job and got turned down.
I'm no longer a prisoner of my fears. Which really just means I'm using real butter.
There's a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue, when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.
I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
I don't want to compare the Republicans to Nazis. I'm just saying, Dick Cheney would have had a nice time in Nazi Germany.
It's hard for anybody who's been with me not to feel starved for affection when I'm making love to my ideas. Maybe it's not meant for me to settle down and be married.
Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass.
I'd be happy to be taken as a woman - and that's what I was initially trying to do when I started throwing on dresses and stuff. But that wasn't going to happen because everyone kept calling me sir. So I thought I'd change the method and just start wearing what I wanted to wear.
When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.
She was so ugly that when two men broke into her apartment and she yelled "rape" they yelled "nooooooo".
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
You might be a redneck if you think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.