Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 991

"I'm bored" is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of.

I’ll tell you what’s better than watching the sunrise… Sleeping through it.

I saw the movie, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and I was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realised why: they're crouching and hidden.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

"I'm blind, bald, and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene."

These times are much franker. For example, in the first movie we have to assume that the daughter and the son-in-law who got married were lovers before they got married. That could never have been in the '50s.

I'm surprised even now that I was aware of things like that at that age. I don't know why. But I decided I would just rather not do them. So I quit for a while.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.

This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory...He's a spastic.

Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

...you're nuts but you're welcome here.

[during a bit about dogs]<br /> That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men