Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 992

These times are much franker. For example, in the first movie we have to assume that the daughter and the son-in-law who got married were lovers before they got married. That could never have been in the '50s.

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.

Some people say "don't use your personal life for comedic fodder". These people may be right, but I have no other life to use so fuck em.

Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

You might be a redneck if your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

To be with another woman, that is French. To be caught, that is American.

I think the hard thing about stand-up - I mean, I think this part is great - but that the traveling is y'know, 'cause - 'cause I'm gone a lot from home and this time I'm out for three-and-a-half weeks without going home, and that's hard, to be gone three-and-a-half weeks 'cause then I have to ask my friends, "Would you mind going to the house and watering the plants, and turn some lights on and make it look like somebody's home, and make sure that the mobile over the crib isn't tangled or the baby's gonna get bored..."

I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

I became a performer because it was what I enjoyed doing.

You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman.

In spite of the six thousand manuals on child raising in the bookstores, child raising is still a dark continent and no one really knows anything. You just need a lot of love and luck - and, of course, courage.

...you're nuts but you're welcome here.

Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.