Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 992
I don’t think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.
The only pitch I have to movie people is the same as this one: Just give me $8 million. I'm not telling you what it's about and I'm not telling you who's in it.
You know you can't just run and shoot people in the knee-caps with double barreled shotgun 'cause you're pissed at them.
You know, folks, the French have always been reluctant to surrender to the wishes of their friends, and almost anticipatory in their urge to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.
Over Christmas, I like to dress up as Jesus and I go to malls. And I walk through the malls saying, “No! No! This isn’t what it’s supposed to be about people.”
There are people who think everything is a conspiracy and I think they’re crazy.
That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? They are Evil.
I have over 18 years sober but am still just a minute away from going insane again.
We've lost our way, I thin. We keep waiting for a wizard to fix it. You know, the Democrats and Republicans - they're not going to fix it. That's just Coke and Pepsi - same crap, different can.
If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.
Just go up to somebody on the street and say "You're it!" and then run away.
People who get implants, it's so depressing, you know… People - I don't know. The route of that, you know, maybe they want more love or attention, or what it is, but they always go for the most obvious place, you know? Here... Well if you really want more attention, why not get them in your eyes? And then move you eyes down to where you nipples used to be, put you breasts up on your head, EVERYBODY will pay attention!