Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 993

On why porn stars cant act: "I wanna know the correlation between an uncle's finger and bad acting"

What hair color do they put on the driver's license's of bald men?

The more I get to know people, the less I know about people.

I think people are used to people in show business having a lot of hubris. I think I have a normal amount of self-loathing but because I'm in show business it's considered self-deprecation. In normal life I would just be considered your average neurotic.

You guys get that, right? Gas is three dollars a gallon, our president is a Texas oil man? Heh, we're fucking retarded.

Why do kids always say peace out, I though peace was in.

I can't think of a worse place to be, without a passport, without any money, ... Then you'd be really screwed.

I don't have any rules, so don't invite me to game night.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

I'm competitive at everything.

We'll never see national shows with 45 shares again.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

I read somewhere that hair grows until you reach 40, then it goes in the opposite direction, into the head, and out the ears, nose and other odd places.

You don’t get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.