Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 993

The only pitch I have to movie people is the same as this one: Just give me $8 million. I'm not telling you what it's about and I'm not telling you who's in it.

You exaggerate your own reactions.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

Canada, the drinking age is 18, that’s unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.

You guys get that, right? Gas is three dollars a gallon, our president is a Texas oil man? Heh, we're fucking retarded.

We've lost our way, I thin. We keep waiting for a wizard to fix it. You know, the Democrats and Republicans - they're not going to fix it. That's just Coke and Pepsi - same crap, different can.

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

I got myself a snack of low-sodium, low-fat Triscuits. If they were lower in anything else the box would be empty.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

We’ve got stained glass windows in our house; it’s those damned pigeons.