Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 993
Most people think, "Life sucks, and then you die." I disagree. I think life sucks. Then you get cancer. Then you go into chemotherapy. You lose all your hair, you feel bad about yourself. Then all of the sudden the cancer goes into remission, and then all of the sudden you have a stroke. You can't move your right side. And then, maybe, you die.
And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
Back then, I was doing more of my impression of what a comic is supposed to do.
I can go from blokey to girlie in 15 minutes and then I'm out the door. But that's the fastest I can do it. Becoming a woman takes work.
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.
Now all of us can talk to the NSA - just by dialing any number.