Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 993

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?

I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

It's hard for anybody who's been with me not to feel starved for affection when I'm making love to my ideas. Maybe it's not meant for me to settle down and be married.

One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.

iPod now has music on a fucking credit card. Eventually they'll have it so that you wear underwear and you just hear it in your head.

Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

If you get anything creative going, then the work and play thing is the same thing, I feel.

You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.

If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.

Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.

To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.