Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 997
The expression "working like a dog" dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.
It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.
That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.
Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
I used to binge-eat and make myself throw up. I was a fat kid. Obviously I didn’t quite master the bulimia.
Start thinking positively. You will notice a difference. Instead of 'I think I'm a loser,' try 'I definitely am a loser.' Stop being wishy-washy about things! How much more of a loser can you be if you don't even know you are one? Either you are a loser or you are not. Which is it, stupid?
You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.
The first class people look at you like, “we get on the plane first and we get our drinks first.” I feel like going, “Yeah, you hit the mountain first too.”
They got this program called Intervention. White people get on planes and boats and buses then go all the way across country to save the one muthafucka in the family who’s on crack. Black people don’t do shit like that. If you’re on crack, that’s your business.
I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.
The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"