Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 997
Massachusetts became the first state to marry gay couples, though lawmakers say allowing gay couples to get married raises a lot of questions. You know, such as: does that best man invite both guys to the bachelor party?
Yes, what is this? Huh? This is whack! I can't get jiggy with this shit! Where's your damn manager, that pink motherfucker?
I like to come to Washington, D.C., at least once a year. Why should my tax money travel more than I do?
Can’t have a favorite. Can’t let them know know if you do. I don’t. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.
We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close; I can do that at home.
Here's when you know it's really really bad, when even the hookers in Grand Theft Auto ignore your car and walk away. The hookers in the game, then you have to follow them into an alley way, smash them with a mail box and steal their floating money. That's all I do when I play Grand Theft Auto, I don't even do the missions, I kill hookers and steal that sack of floating money. What if you could go somewhere, kill a hooker and her money could just float. You don't even need to pick it up you just walk through it and your body absorbs it. Playing that game, I thought it was like watching a documentary. Very similar to life, do this you wanna try it? Shoot a cop in the face, when all the back-up comes and tries to find you, just like in the game, hide behind a dumpster for 35 seconds, they'll call off the whole god damn search.
If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
I used to binge-eat and make myself throw up. I was a fat kid. Obviously I didn’t quite master the bulimia.
There are people who would like to get rid of minimum wage. But we have to have it, because if we didn't some people would not get paid money. They would work all week for two loaves of bread and some Spam.
I would have sex with a 17 year old boy. But the only problem is most of them still live at home with their mama. And I am too old to be sneaking into a bitch’s house to have sex with her son on a twin bed. Do you know how hard it is to have sex on a twin bed? To try to keep your balance on a bed with some Star Wars sheets on it?
I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.
If I ever get the chance, I'd like to force a mailman to eat his own mail.