Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 997
I was born at home on newspapers. I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger.
I want them to know I don't think I'm wonderful, or better than they are. Part of comedy is saying: 'I am you and you are me, and we're all feeling the same thing.'
If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.
"I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda."
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
Women will soon be able to make their own sperm using their own bone marrow. Is that unbelievable? How unfair is that for us guys, huh? I mean, all these years, we've been in charge of manufacturing and distribution, you know what I'm saying? We provide free delivery and installation…
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.
If you're at a party with more than five people named Chad, get the fuck out right away.
Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!"
He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.
My phone will ring at two in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?" I don't fucking know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!
If I could go back to any decade it wouldn’t be the 80s, it would be the 70s. See we didn’t have all those computer games in the 70s, we had real games. Do you remember mouse trap? (audience cheers). Yeah, we didn’t have that...