Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 26
I do have ADD and in real life, I'm all over the place and can hardly focus. If we were talking for, for more than an hour or so, I'd start drifting off... I can't sit still too long.
Women are like the police, they could have all the evidence in the world but they still want the confession.
You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.
That’s why my girlfriend and I broke up: she wanted kids, and I... well, she wanted kids. I had no idea her philosophy was that flawed. She goes, “Wouldn’t it be nice to have a kid? To have this fresh, clean slate which we could fill. A little clean spirit, innocent, and to fill it with good ideas.” Yeah, yeah, how about this? If you’re so fucking altruistic, why don’t you leave the little clean spirit wherever it is right now? Okay? Horrible act, childbirth. Nightmare. Bringing... I would never bring a kid to this fucking planet.
I knew it was way too cold this winter because I have not had one thought. I have not been able to complete a sentence in my own head. I find myself wondering, going; You know, I should really - fuck it's cold!
When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, "Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn."
Let me tell you the truth. The truth is what is, and what should be is a fantasy. A terrible, terrible lie that someone gave to the people long ago.
All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
I knew it was a bad idea, but I was high. I tried to explain to him that it was a bad idea but all that came out was well nigger sometimes you gotta race, I don't know.
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving... Every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
It's beautiful that abortion is legal in America. I love going to abortion rallies to pick up women, 'cause you know they're fucking. You ain't gonna find a bunch of virgins at the abortion rally. You might even see some clear heels!
My ex-girlfriend have a lot of like really annoying habits, you know I think the worst was she love to read women’s magazines like Cosmo or things like Cosmo and she would flip straight to the relationship quiz, and not only would she present that to me, as if it was like a fun activity for us to do together, even though every question is designed to fuck my entire world. But even worse is she would get mad at my answers and make me change them, so we’d get the best score.
My twin boys are two and they’re cute… but when they become adults, the danger of identical twins, I hope they’re handsome. Because if they’re even slightly ugly, there’s two of those. You notice that. If you see one slightly ugly man walk across the room that’s no big deal. But if you see the same ugliness right behind him. “Hey! Look at that… I didn’t think he was that ugly until I saw it again.”
People say 'my phone sucks.' No it doesn't! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.