Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 33
Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.
I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
I had a 'Simpsons' and 'Everybody Hates Chris' spec and I remember thinking I was never going to hear from them again. Even after meeting with Tina, I left thinking I wasn't going to get it.
I like a bush. A nice big, hairy, stinky, smelly fucking bush. And I hate when they put cologne on it. They dummy it up with cologne like you don’t know where you are. I like that nice natural scent of salmon.
We live in a world where John Lennon was murdered, yet Barry Manilow continues to put out fucking albums. God-dammit! If you're gonna kill somebody, have some fucking taste. I'll drive you to Kenny Rogers' house.
I'm high as a kite and my teeth are green, Merry fucking Christmas!
I had a cop pull me over the other day, scared me so bad, made me think I stole my own car. "Get out of the car, get out of the fucking car! You stole this car!" I was like 'damn, maybe I did!'.
I told my girlfriend I wanted to fuck her between the tits. She said: “How are you gonna make that feel good for me?” and I said: "Right before I cum, I’ll stop punching you in the face."
Fuck all of you, and fuck the Liberty Bell, and shove it up Ben Franklin’s ass.
I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
"And tired" always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, my mother said, "I am just sick..." And I said, "and tired." I don't remember anything after that.
This friend of mine told me, 'Yeah, I dress this way to attract a guy, but I want to attract the right guy. I don't want to attract every slob on the street.' That's how cleavage works. It's not a smart bomb. It's not a laser-guided weapon. You might hit your target; there's also going to be a lot of collateral damage. You might hit the guy in the Porsche. You're also going to hit the guy with one tooth driving by on the bus.