Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 34
"And tired" always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, my mother said, "I am just sick..." And I said, "and tired." I don't remember anything after that.
I hate false advertising, like 'Skittles: taste the rainbow.' No one's ever been like, 'Rainbow, right you guys?' Or what's Reese's? 'There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.' Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn't love you.
I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.
My bitch in high school had a 12 foot boa constrictor, she named it Fluffy. That's just sick in my book. Well, we go over to her house, I don't know about the snake, and she says, "Hang on while I get into something more comfortable, okay?" and I'm like, "All right!" A few minutes later, she comes out wearing that snake around her neck, I'm backin' away, saying, "No thanks, I can drive." She says to me, "No, wait, Bill. Fluffy can wrap around us while we make love." I said, "No, he can't. 'Cause I'll kill him. Okay?"
I grew up watching and admiring Adam Sandler, it started with “Saturday Night Live and his albums, then I became a huge fan of his movies. “SNL”, “Kids in the Hall,” and “In Living Color” – their characters were huge influences and eye openers to other worlds of comedy for me.
A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it’s not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it’s your fault: "Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!"
I'm high as a kite and my teeth are green, Merry fucking Christmas!
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.
There will be a guy in a yellow poncho, his name is Hank, he will take you to the whopper lair.
This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."