Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 32
Kenny G will be releasing a CD fully comprised of Christmas songs. Happy birthday, Jesus - hope you like crap.
Wearing a Hawaiian shirt, you don’t ever come across as offensive. Nobody sees you as a threat. You see someone in a Hawaiian shirt, and you are like ‘this guy is ready to party.’
I certainly do believe that a lot of comedy comes from awkwardness and embarrassment - pointing out the ways things are uncomfortable. Definitely the stuff that interests me. I don’t necessarily think that comedy comes from a dark place, like you have to be a strung-out heroin addict. But I don’t think it comes from happiness, that’s for sure. It comes from frustration and suppressed rage, and wishing the world were different.
I’m in magazines full of model teens so far above you. So, read them and hate yourself and pay me to tell you I love you. And the parents always come along, cause their little girl is in love, and how could love be wrong?
When you talk to a kid on the phone, you gotta remember the conversation could go in any direction. You just gotta get ready. There’s no segues in the conversation. “Dad, are you coming home tomorrow?” “No, I’m not.” “I have 1,000 pennies.”
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
I think that's why they have so many religious freaks in the airports, they even keep the flowers behind the counter 'Go, go my children... be fruitful and annoy.'
The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.
If marriage didn't exist, would you invent it? Would you go "Baby, this shit we got together? It's so good we gotta get the government in on this shit. We can't just share this commitment between us. We need judges and lawyers involved in this shit, baby. It's hot!"
Your request is not unlike your lower intestine, stinky and loaded with danger.
Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons.
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
Some people can handle alcohol. You know who you are. Some people can't handle alcohol. The police know who you are.