Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 32
'I hate to do this, but the organization is going in a different direction,' but that everything I did was fine.
Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons.
Wearing a Hawaiian shirt, you don’t ever come across as offensive. Nobody sees you as a threat. You see someone in a Hawaiian shirt, and you are like ‘this guy is ready to party.’
I certainly do believe that a lot of comedy comes from awkwardness and embarrassment - pointing out the ways things are uncomfortable. Definitely the stuff that interests me. I don’t necessarily think that comedy comes from a dark place, like you have to be a strung-out heroin addict. But I don’t think it comes from happiness, that’s for sure. It comes from frustration and suppressed rage, and wishing the world were different.
I’m in magazines full of model teens so far above you. So, read them and hate yourself and pay me to tell you I love you. And the parents always come along, cause their little girl is in love, and how could love be wrong?
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
When you talk to a kid on the phone, you gotta remember the conversation could go in any direction. You just gotta get ready. There’s no segues in the conversation. “Dad, are you coming home tomorrow?” “No, I’m not.” “I have 1,000 pennies.”
I think that's why they have so many religious freaks in the airports, they even keep the flowers behind the counter 'Go, go my children... be fruitful and annoy.'
If marriage didn't exist, would you invent it? Would you go "Baby, this shit we got together? It's so good we gotta get the government in on this shit. We can't just share this commitment between us. We need judges and lawyers involved in this shit, baby. It's hot!"
The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.
Your request is not unlike your lower intestine, stinky and loaded with danger.
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim.