Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 32
Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you’re tired and most of your balls are missing.
'I hate to do this, but the organization is going in a different direction,' but that everything I did was fine.
I certainly do believe that a lot of comedy comes from awkwardness and embarrassment - pointing out the ways things are uncomfortable. Definitely the stuff that interests me. I don’t necessarily think that comedy comes from a dark place, like you have to be a strung-out heroin addict. But I don’t think it comes from happiness, that’s for sure. It comes from frustration and suppressed rage, and wishing the world were different.
That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.
Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.
Wearing a Hawaiian shirt, you don’t ever come across as offensive. Nobody sees you as a threat. You see someone in a Hawaiian shirt, and you are like ‘this guy is ready to party.’
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
I’m in magazines full of model teens so far above you. So, read them and hate yourself and pay me to tell you I love you. And the parents always come along, cause their little girl is in love, and how could love be wrong?
When you talk to a kid on the phone, you gotta remember the conversation could go in any direction. You just gotta get ready. There’s no segues in the conversation. “Dad, are you coming home tomorrow?” “No, I’m not.” “I have 1,000 pennies.”
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.
My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
I have more love in me than not, I have more hope in me than not, and I have more faith than I used to. I just want to get out of the way of what I've been given, so I can do it right.
If marriage didn't exist, would you invent it? Would you go "Baby, this shit we got together? It's so good we gotta get the government in on this shit. We can't just share this commitment between us. We need judges and lawyers involved in this shit, baby. It's hot!"