Quotes & Jokes about Christmas / page 4
I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
In the suburbs it’s hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you’re using it?
I was in New York last Christmas - it's snowing; there's a guy in a t-shirt. I'm like, 'Dude, aren't you cold?' 'No, I'm from New York. I don't get cold.' Just 'cause you're from a cold place doesn't mean you're genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. You're not a penguin. I was like, 'In fact, sir, you're Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold.'
It's christmas. You know, the time of the year that reminds you what you don't fucking have.
The TV news people keep saying that this could be the greatest Christmas we ever had. I kind of thought the first one was.
Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
I love my family but my family - they're the type of people that never let you forget anything you ever did when you were little. I was in the first grade Christmas play - I'm playing Mary. Now, during the course of the play, I dropped the baby Jesus. They act like I dropped the baby Jesus. So now, they still talk about this. I go to my family reunion, and one of my cousins just had a baby. So I'm like, 'Oh, that's a cute little baby. Let me hold the baby. Let me see the baby.' And my aunt runs over, 'Don't you give her that baby! You know she dropped the baby Jesus!'
My mother was a professional sick person; she took a lot of pain pills. There are many people like that. It's just how they are used to getting attention. I always remember she's the daughter of alcoholics who'd leave her alone at Christmas time.