Quotes & Jokes about Money
You know why men make more money than women? Because, in the unlikely event that we're both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay - that's why I get the dollar more an hour.
The upper class: keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. The middle class: pays all of the taxes, does all of the work. The poor are there... just to scare the shit out of the middle class.
When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. Buy my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.
What’s that, son? Nah, we’re not going to church today, fuck that. It’s all a bunch of bullshit. God’s everywhere, but I gotta go down there to see him? Really? And he’s mad at me down there, and I owe you money? Go fuck yourself.
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money, watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
You have the American dream! The American dream is to be born in the gutter and have nothing. Then to raise up and have all the money in the world, and stick it in your ears and go PLBTLBTLBLTLBTLBLT!! That's a pretty good dream.
Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle’s no. They’re not allowed.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.