Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Love


Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Love is man's natural endowment, but he doesn't know how to use it. He refuses to recognize the power of love because of his love of power.

If you haven't contemplated murder, you ain't been in love. If you haven't seriously thought about killing a motherfucker, you ain't been in love.

I love you with every cell, with every atom. I love you on a subatomic level.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

Women want you to suffer. You know what I mean? They want you to go 4 to 8 grand in debt. They want you to do that, and go to work every fucking day, knowing that you're working for their fucking love and the use of their fucking vagina.

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.

You have to break in half to love somebody.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on-a-rope.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

It's easy to love somebody. Shit, sit with them a little bit and talk to them a while.

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.