Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Love

41 quotes

Love is man's natural endowment, but he doesn't know how to use it. He refuses to recognize the power of love because of his love of power.

If you haven't contemplated murder, you ain't been in love. If you haven't seriously thought about killing a motherfucker, you ain't been in love.

I love you with every cell, with every atom. I love you on a subatomic level.

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

You have to break in half to love somebody.

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.

Women want you to suffer. You know what I mean? They want you to go 4 to 8 grand in debt. They want you to do that, and go to work every fucking day, knowing that you're working for their fucking love and the use of their fucking vagina.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.

It's easy to love somebody. Shit, sit with them a little bit and talk to them a while.

Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man."

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

You gotta keep falling in love. You gotta believe in it. What are you going to do... give sheep the vote?