Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 100
False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.
I never saw Lenny Bruce, but I know all about him. I heard every tape. I’ve talked with his mother. His daughter is like a sister to me. Can you imagine missing someone you never knew?
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn't been touched by the war and blew it to hell.
Pulp Fiction is a, uh, gritty, urban satire. Pump Friction is a uh-uh, a bunch of uh, dudes and ladies having dirty sex.
Nobody's ever challenged me and tapped into what I can do. I ain't played a villain which I believe I can do and do real well. There hasn't been any director who has been able to challenge me to go there. At this point in my life I've done a lot of things from stand-up to my own television show for five years to successful comedy shows, and concert films.
The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions.
I think the biggest challenge I have faced is that I have struggled most of my life with often crippling depression which has sometimes if not keeping me off stage kept me from writing regularly and with any kind of confidence.
Be happy with your stereotype. Asians - that's the stereotype I want. Being the smartest person in the world? You're the smartest, what are you complaining about? You know what I get? 'Wassup?'
George Clooney and Fabio apparently got into a scuffle at a restaurant in Los Angeles over the weekend. George thought the women with Fabio were taking pictures of him. How embarrassed is George Clooney to be in a fight with Fabio? Who is he going to call out next, Lorenzo Lamas?
People's - most people's job is talking about the future or like money not even in the present tense. It's not even paper.
I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon.
"I stood on a stone fish once." "Oh yeah, how was it?" "Worst fucking pain known to man." "Have you known a lot of pain?" "Aye, I fell off my bike once."
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.
Last night, I went to a birthday party, and this girl brought a cake and a cheesecake. And the other girls that lived in the apartment, I swear to God, all night long: 'You're taking that cake with you when you go. That cake's not staying in this house.' Like it's this evil, Hope Diamond, nuclear, horrifying cursed thing.