Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 100
Do you think it's possible that when we're on something like marijuana or mushrooms and we believe we're having a really spiritual experience that we're just high?
Nobody's ever challenged me and tapped into what I can do. I ain't played a villain which I believe I can do and do real well. There hasn't been any director who has been able to challenge me to go there. At this point in my life I've done a lot of things from stand-up to my own television show for five years to successful comedy shows, and concert films.
I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boos was trying to say? "Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law."
The Police report said they stabbed this guy 51 times, bludgeoned him in the head with a heavy object 13 times and they shot him twice, so I figure this guy's by the door on the way out going, "You don't have to leave yet, do you? You haven't shoved a chainsaw up my ass yet! My head's still on my torso! I'm glad you fuckers can handle your high!"
I now believe in reincarnation. Tonight's monologue is going to come back as a dog.
I've got another friend who is half-Polish and half-Jewish. He's a janitor, but he owns the building!
Pulp Fiction is a, uh, gritty, urban satire. Pump Friction is a uh-uh, a bunch of uh, dudes and ladies having dirty sex.
The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.
I never saw Lenny Bruce, but I know all about him. I heard every tape. I’ve talked with his mother. His daughter is like a sister to me. Can you imagine missing someone you never knew?
A weird sort of awareness set in, like, 'Wow. My stand-up isn't just separate from everything else I do anymore.' With Twitter and Face book, everything is universal that everything everybody says gets seen.