Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 100
Initially, he was a little apprehensive. I think now he's a lot more relaxed. He's like a duck to water, though he can play anywhere.
I found a grey hair in my beard the other day, and that can mean one of two things. I'm either getting old or I'm a fucking wizard!
I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? 'Cause I'm like "Bana... keep going. Bananana... damn."
I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.
The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.
My brother hates gay people - hates us. 'We should take all you gays and stick you on an island.' 'Well they have, Frank. We call it Manhattan.'
You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?
Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.
When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. Done!
You know that show 'Teen Mom'? Or if you're from the South, 'Mom.'
Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil’s workshop." And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.