Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 100
My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.
You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the North."
She's online with her friends, and little boys are starting to call the house. Oh, my God, we had a kid call the house at two in the morning. Oh, I lost it. 'Cause first of all, I'm off in La-la land with Shania Twain in the mountains somewhere. I hear a phone ring and I'm like "Who's got a phone in the mountains?" So when I realize it's my phone, I'm already a little miffed, so I go, "Hello!" And this little voice says "Uh... is Emily there?" And I go, "Dude, if you have a brain in your skull, you will hang this phone up right now!" Click. Then my wife turns to me and goes, "Bill, you've got to be nice." And I go, "No, ma'am. "Nice" stops at midnight!"
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
Last time I was out here was not too long after 9/11, and you could not drive a car to the airport at that time. That was one of the first safety precautions: only taxis could go to the airport. Because, really, what better way of stemming the flow of Muslims to the airport than only allowing taxis?
Be happy with your stereotype. Asians - that's the stereotype I want. Being the smartest person in the world? You're the smartest, what are you complaining about? You know what I get? 'Wassup?'
You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude.
I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon.
It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.
Children ought to watch pornographic movies: it's healthier than learning about sex from Hollywood.
I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there."