Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 99

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.

Every holiday on the calendar, I check in a hotel and fast - I don't eat, I don't drink, I don't talk.

I think that if anyone bothered to take a survey, they would find a sharp decline in atheism during the winters in Cleveland, Ohio.

I now believe in reincarnation. Tonight's monologue is going to come back as a dog.

Music is a great energizer. It's a language everybody knows.

I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I’ve never found any strange panties in my dog’s house.

You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude.

There is no more embarrassing thing in my life that the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, "I would like to order the Ginsu Knife."

Before sleeping together today, people should boil themselves.

We grew to know the meaning of love. That is what allowed me and my family to stay close together.

The Police report said they stabbed this guy 51 times, bludgeoned him in the head with a heavy object 13 times and they shot him twice, so I figure this guy's by the door on the way out going, "You don't have to leave yet, do you? You haven't shoved a chainsaw up my ass yet! My head's still on my torso! I'm glad you fuckers can handle your high!"

I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fucking mouth.

What do you get when you cross a genius with a hooker? A fucking know-it-all.

I've got another friend who is half-Polish and half-Jewish. He's a janitor, but he owns the building!