Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 99

You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude.

When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?

Be happy with your stereotype. Asians - that's the stereotype I want. Being the smartest person in the world? You're the smartest, what are you complaining about? You know what I get? 'Wassup?'

False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

Love is man's natural endowment, but he doesn't know how to use it. He refuses to recognize the power of love because of his love of power.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

And when did mediocrity become excellence in our country? Music is dead in 2011 because Lady Gaga lives. Really? Is that the best we can do? Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa, "Poker Face"? This stuttering, growling midget with a speech impediment is music? Really? This vapid, pop cancer, Madonna mini-me? She makes Miley Cyrus look like John Lennon. She makes Jack Lemon look like John Lennon. I'm sorry. And you don't get to claim you're not accepted at a billion hits on YouTube. And you're not an artist just cause you can wear a live chimpanzee as a bra. Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett.

We grew to know the meaning of love. That is what allowed me and my family to stay close together.

George Clooney and Fabio apparently got into a scuffle at a restaurant in Los Angeles over the weekend. George thought the women with Fabio were taking pictures of him. How embarrassed is George Clooney to be in a fight with Fabio? Who is he going to call out next, Lorenzo Lamas?

I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh... one. Oh God, I looked good, young and fresh! You wouldn't know me now if you'd seen me when I was one, you know? I even looked good for my age. People would come up to me and go, "what are you, zero?" And I'd go, "no, I'm one over here!"

Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. Done!