Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 101

Oprah didn't just bring herself, she brought her celebrity friends, because when Oprah says, "Jump," they say, "Which couch?"

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

A weird sort of awareness set in, like, 'Wow. My stand-up isn't just separate from everything else I do anymore.' With Twitter and Face book, everything is universal that everything everybody says gets seen.

It's work having a vagina. Guys don't think that its work but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn't. Every night it's like getting it ready for its first Quinceanera, believe me.

Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way.

For years I thought the club's name was Partick Thistle Nil.

If some unemployed punk in New Jersey, can get a cassette to make love to Elle McPherson for $19.95, this virtual reality stuff is going to make crack look like Sanka.

Rap videos confuse me cause they have to be continued at the end but the never make a sequel. Where’s the second video? There’s so much suspense! I need to know are they goin keep pourin champagne on these bitches? What’s going to happen to that guy’s rims? Are they big enough for him?

My grandparents - life was food. I go, 'Grandma, I don't feel well. I'm suicidal.' She says, 'You're hungry. You're just hungry.'

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

Wouldn't be prudent. Not gonna do it'.

Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!

I blend memories. I blend them into one that's funny. I exaggerate to clarify.

There are more whipped guys on television than there were on the Amistad.

Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don’t kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.