Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 101
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
We're fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we'd be fighting if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize.
The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.
It's like my brain and my penis are locked in a chess match, and I'm letting him win.
I tell people, 'If you want to send a message to the White House, call my house.'
Poor Michael Jackson and these sex allegations. As if it’s not bad enough him being a Jehova’s Witness, they’re accusing him of behaving like a catholic priest!
If some unemployed punk in New Jersey, can get a cassette to make love to Elle McPherson for $19.95, this virtual reality stuff is going to make crack look like Sanka.
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.
Love is man's natural endowment, but he doesn't know how to use it. He refuses to recognize the power of love because of his love of power.
You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude.
The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.
I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.