Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 101
It's worse than dog eats dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.
The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.
Golf is a funny game. It's done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I'm the healthiest idiot in the world.
The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
Nothing matters until you realize that nothing really matters other than helping others who live as if nothing will ever really matter.
You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
A black C student can't do shit with his life. A black C student can't be a manager at Burger King. Meanwhile, a white C student just happens to be the President of the United States.
I would like to wear a diaper on days where I'm feeling lazy but... I don't. I shit my pants.
Pride should be reserved for something you achieve or obtain on your own, not something that happens by accident of birth. Being Irish isn't a skill... it's a fucking genetic accident. You wouldn't say I'm proud to be 5'11"; I'm proud to have a pre-disposition for colon cancer.
Ideally, you want to be in a fifty-fifty power-sharing arrangement with the audience – both of you are there for a mutually enjoyable experience.
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.
When I say Home Depot, everyone in this room thinks one thing: beaner. We all think beaner - guy hanging out in front of Home Depot - and I don't have a problem with that. You know what I have a problem with? When I turn on NASCAR, and the dude driving the Home Depot car is white. That pisses me off. White people, that's our car, bitch. You put a beaner in the Home Depot car. We need to be driving that car. White people don't need to be driving a Home Depot car. White people should be driving the car sponsored by Saltines.
Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.