Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1000
I don’t think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.
Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. But it all changes after that. You get a great car, a great job. You got a wife, kids, you got your health. But then your company is sold out from under you, your stocks tank, your wife's sleeping with the gardener and your teenage daughter is pregnant. And you notice that you have a prostate so hard, you can actually take a hammer to it. But hey, not one zit.
Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.
I was doing sketches that were funny, but socially irresponsible. It was encouraged.
But I understand that relationship; I understand how the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship has so many conflicts because it's so forced.
Once you've been an astronaut and you've gone on a mission, doesn't the rest of your life just add up to one big disappointment after another? What are their daily lives like? ‘Golly gee, I caught a fish! Ha ha! This reminds me of that time I walked on the fucking moon!’
Political correctness seems to me to be about an institutionalized politeness at its worst.
Now all of us can talk to the NSA - just by dialing any number.
That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? They are Evil.
They used to have a smoking section at most airports. No more. They now have these glass-encased rooms. You're not just a smoker, you're an example to other people. You're an exhibit at a futuristic zoo.
I think people are used to people in show business having a lot of hubris. I think I have a normal amount of self-loathing but because I'm in show business it's considered self-deprecation. In normal life I would just be considered your average neurotic.