Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1000

You might be a redneck if you have the electronic singing fish in more than three rooms in your house.

Some things I think are very conservative, or very liberal. I think when someone falls into one category for everything, I'm very suspicious. It doesn't make sense to me that you'd have the same solution to every issue.

Though you feel you're not where you're suppose to be, you shouldn't worry because that next turn that you take, it will lead you to where you wanna go.

Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.

Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living.

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.

I don't think it makes any sense to try to get anyone to not talk.

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.

I became a performer because it was what I enjoyed doing.

Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.

The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.

They tell me that they love me... then they try to kiss me.

I've got a lot to say about television. There's a lot going on in television right now and I feel like a huge part of television.