Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1000

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There’s no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, “Look, it’s always gonna be me!”

I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there’s a bb gun in my hand. Can’t you see that I am just a man? With distinctions… and comparisons.

I'm thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.

You don't need a critic to tell you people aren't laughing.

The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.

Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready willing and able to give it a shot.

My girlfriend’s a redhead; No hair, just a red head.

He's not stupid ... he's not a retarded man ... he just doesn't give a shit about you, or anything.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button!

And He saw that it was good!

If we go down in flames, we will be laughing on the way down, believe me.