Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 999

My family used depression to hide from anxiety.

No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.

Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

My secret to staying young: Having no sense of time.

You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Who better to do drugs than high school kids; what are you going to fuck up that bad when you're seventeen years old?

That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I have to warn you about tonight's show. Tonight's show will fix your relationship or destroy it. And either way, you're welcome.

If somebody calls and messes with you on the phone like that you don't become terrified, you mess back. If somebody calls and was like "have you checked the children?" I'd be like "I killed them!"

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.

I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.