Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 999

My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.

He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.

Damn! This flight attendant treating us like we won these first class tickets in a contest.

People see me in the suit and they know I'm not fooling anyone, they know I'm rock and roll through and through.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.

The only pitch I have to movie people is the same as this one: Just give me $8 million. I'm not telling you what it's about and I'm not telling you who's in it.

Video games don’t make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.

If I would've married me I would have outlawed foreplay. I would have been pissed at myself in bed but had more time to read great novels.

I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I’m a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

Unlike Ray Porter, his love is fearless and without reservation.

By the time I was 7 or 8, I wanted to be a comedy writer.

In my stand-up, I’ve always been loose. If there’s a curtain onstage, I’ll use that in my act. If there’s a door, I’ll use the door. I always like to use everything at my disposal, which makes each show a little different and a little more fun.