Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 999

I am reasonably happy. I didn't find Jesus or anything like that. Part of it is that I just feel that I could go home. I did not feel like that for a long time, but I could go back now.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

The only way a no-legged leopard could hurt you is if it fell out of a tree onto your head.

One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.

If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.

You might be a redneck if you think cur is a breed of dog.

Bush proposed a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. Some saw the move as an attempt to preserve traditional values, while others saw it as a cynical ploy to ensure that Vice President... Cheney will never have to pay for his gay daughter's wedding.

Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.

Yes! Finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the American public by such companies as Enron, Global Crossing, Tyco and Adelphia, we finally got the ringleader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle.

You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.

You got to start by doing little things if your quest is to take over the world.

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

Raised by two mothers... wow, most of us barely survive one.

I'm not the voice of reason; I'm more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.

I could never do what Tiger Woods did...I fucking hate golf!