Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1001
I just think they should get a fair shake. They didn't. They didn't have the rights regular criminals get.
I'll tell you, too, that's starting to depress me about UFO's, about the fact that they cross galaxies, or wherever they come from to visit us, and always end up in places like Fife, Alabama. Maybe these are not super-intelligent beings, man.
I expected to much from my expectations fast and I'm all screwed up again... but I expected that to happen.
If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.
If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
US needs to fix up it's election system so that votes are fairly counted, and the Electoral College is removed.
My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
You might be a redneck if your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
The first class people look at you like, “we get on the plane first and we get our drinks first.” I feel like going, “Yeah, you hit the mountain first too.”
I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush.