Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1001

We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close; I can do that at home.

I expected to much from my expectations fast and I'm all screwed up again... but I expected that to happen.

Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only use travelers checks.

Here's when you know it's really really bad, when even the hookers in Grand Theft Auto ignore your car and walk away. The hookers in the game, then you have to follow them into an alley way, smash them with a mail box and steal their floating money. That's all I do when I play Grand Theft Auto, I don't even do the missions, I kill hookers and steal that sack of floating money. What if you could go somewhere, kill a hooker and her money could just float. You don't even need to pick it up you just walk through it and your body absorbs it. Playing that game, I thought it was like watching a documentary. Very similar to life, do this you wanna try it? Shoot a cop in the face, when all the back-up comes and tries to find you, just like in the game, hide behind a dumpster for 35 seconds, they'll call off the whole god damn search.

I am furious about everything.

US needs to fix up it's election system so that votes are fairly counted, and the Electoral College is removed.

I used to binge-eat and make myself throw up. I was a fat kid. Obviously I didn’t quite master the bulimia.

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.

If somebody calls and messes with you on the phone like that you don't become terrified, you mess back. If somebody calls and was like "have you checked the children?" I'd be like "I killed them!"

If I ever get the chance, I'd like to force a mailman to eat his own mail.

Pardon me I've got nothing to say.

The first class people look at you like, “we get on the plane first and we get our drinks first.” I feel like going, “Yeah, you hit the mountain first too.”

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."