Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1001
I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I’m a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.
Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.
He admitted this was stupid. It's a very serious offence. I wouldn't consider it a prank. ... It could have turned into something that caused far more injury, and even death, than it did.
He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in...
I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellas… Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf.”
I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.
I was lucky, you know, I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing over for, oh, perhaps half.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
Boys and girls, maybe you should stay in the house if you're having trouble with the phrases 'hot' and 'tasty.'
People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know?