Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1012
Making a good music video isn’t easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of ‘16 and Pregnant,’ which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.
A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody.
Montovani? They play Montovani to insomniacs that don't respond to strong drugs.
Paul Riser tells it in an interesting way; he dissects it and tells the structure, you know, 'you don't mention that part here.' But that's what's interesting about it and the people who are absent are interesting too.
I love restaurants, and that's the thing now, they always boast about now, restaurants - home made cooking - I don't want home made cooking, that's why I'm here, 'cos I don't like the shit at home! Yeah... you know! And they don't say who's home it is, do they! Could be a mental home, couldn't it!
Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!"
Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?
You might be a redneck if your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
I was at peace with it; I'd taken his hatred and insecurity-driven malice and turned it into fame, money, and of course, pussy.
If I could go back to any decade it wouldn’t be the 80s, it would be the 70s. See we didn’t have all those computer games in the 70s, we had real games. Do you remember mouse trap? (audience cheers). Yeah, we didn’t have that...
Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.
The only thing I'm really suited for is the musical version of Congo.
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."