Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1012
We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.
Rappers misspell things from time to time, just for fun. They'll use a 'Z' instead of an 'S,' a 'Y' instead of an 'I.' If I was an accountant, I would do that with numbers. I'd be like, 'Yo, here's your check. I used a 1 instead of a 5. Just keepin' it real. Don't wanna embezzle, my nezzle.'
A lot of people were surprised that Ford picked Nelson Rockefeller to run with him. After all, Rocky had tried to get the job of president three times himself. That's like asking Morris the Cat to watch your tuna salad.
If frogs could fly... well we'd still be in this mess, but wouldn't it be neat?
Hundreds of barefoot Filipinos marched on the roads through the Philippines carrying heavy wooden crosses and whipping their backs until they bled to prepare for Easter. Call me old-fashioned but I just like coloring the eggs.
I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added "ish" to every number.
At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.
If someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle, you might be a redneck.
I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.
Isn't that just being a whore? You don't need to join a club. Close your legs, sister.
To the point where gender is no longer an issue; if you fuck the elephant man, no one is going to call you fag.
The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.