Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1012
If frogs could fly... well we'd still be in this mess, but wouldn't it be neat?
My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.
I think that's when I knew I lost my youth; when I was no longer able to act like I was interested in a dumb chick just to fuck her.
He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.
I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
She didn't love me that much, but she moved in with me. That's a plus. And then one night, I caught her making out with another dude on the driveway. That's a minus.
The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.
This year, I will hug my wife more. Or have my assistant hug her more for me.
A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security. Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on shotgun? Now how does this work? What's the first thing a thief steals? Your wallet, oh, now he's got your gun too!
What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.
I've said before that working with Larry is kind of like watching the Jerry Springer Show. After about five minutes, you will feel better about your own family.
I like talking about subjects that aren't funny in the first place and making them funny. So anything down and depressing is something I'll talk about.
Women would rule the world - if only they'd stop bitchin' about each other.