Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1013

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, "for your convenience." It's like getting punched in the throat, "for your comfort."

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.

[Unlikely lines from a superhero movie] Just call the police.

The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.

They say, "you only hurt the one" you love, so thankfully I'm off the hook.

My father said, "Bring along your best girl." This is something you say to a pimp!

Life is too short to waste your time, energy and love on a fucking asshole.

I don't do one show and wish I was doing something else.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

I don’t think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.

Canada, the drinking age is 18, that’s unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.