Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1013

The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.

The next evolutionary step is into the screen.

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

I tried to be rigorously honest with my flaws and it was clear that I couldn't be friends with myself.

I think an invisible shit monster just dumped in my fridge but I can't figure out where the stank is coming from.

How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

It seems to be a common denominator with a lot of comics, this low self-esteem thing.

Having feelings doesn’t mean you have to have sex.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.

I'm passionate about gay rights, but I think we need admit that there are some gay wrongs as well.

I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.

I would imagine the wages of sin are death. But by the time they take taxes out it’s just kind of a tired feeling.

According to geologists, about 100 million years from now, Asia and the Americas will smash together to form one giant supercontinent. The good news: Maybe all those jobs that went over there will finally come back.

If your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat, you might be a redneck.