Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1013

"I'm bored" is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of.

Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.

If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

Big, skinny, regular size it doesn’t matter as long as your young.

You can start any Monty Python routine and people finish it for you. Everyone knows it like shorthand.

Technically it's not premarital sex if you don’t plan on marrying them.

I've heard lots of people lie to themselves but they never fool anyone.

Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.

Dress like a gentleman, but my mouth is never civilized.

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

I’m fascinated by the logic that leads to something.

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

South African schoolchildren set a world record this week by creating the world's longest clothesline. Hey, what do South Africans wash their clothes with? Apar-Tide!

It's like a sort of internet Ren Fair. Its like Dungeons & Dragons but for cool people who have got friends.