Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1013

You might be a redneck if your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

If you're at a party with more than five people named Chad, get the fuck out right away.

Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.

You might be a redneck if Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.

If I could go back to any decade it wouldn’t be the 80s, it would be the 70s. See we didn’t have all those computer games in the 70s, we had real games. Do you remember mouse trap? (audience cheers). Yeah, we didn’t have that...

Our freedoms are under siege - for our own good, they tell us.

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

Being a parent is a life sentence. From the day that kid is born until the day you die. And then some. Mum, there is nothing to forgive. You gave me life. And, hey, you're not crazy anymore. Everybody thinks I am. Real funny, mum.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.

South African schoolchildren set a world record this week by creating the world's longest clothesline. Hey, what do South Africans wash their clothes with? Apar-Tide!

There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.

Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie "King Kong" and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that's Maria Shriver.

Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only one nagging question: what kind of a freak has 1,000 pages of medical records.