Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1014

A lot of people were surprised that Ford picked Nelson Rockefeller to run with him. After all, Rocky had tried to get the job of president three times himself. That's like asking Morris the Cat to watch your tuna salad.

If frogs could fly... well we'd still be in this mess, but wouldn't it be neat?

Hundreds of barefoot Filipinos marched on the roads through the Philippines carrying heavy wooden crosses and whipping their backs until they bled to prepare for Easter. Call me old-fashioned but I just like coloring the eggs.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added "ish" to every number.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

And He saw that it was good!

There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.

Sometimes you feel in control, and it's great, but sometimes you just don't feel in control and you really have to struggle to get laughs.

Your services might be as useful as a barber’s shop on the steps of a guillotine.

I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Screw that, I'll just make a copy!"

When the Academy called, I panicked. I thought they might want their Oscars back and the pawn shop has been out of business for a while.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

You know that if you leave your underwear on a plane, things did not go the way you intended.

I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.