Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1014
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
Women will soon be able to make their own sperm using their own bone marrow. Is that unbelievable? How unfair is that for us guys, huh? I mean, all these years, we've been in charge of manufacturing and distribution, you know what I'm saying? We provide free delivery and installation…
You might be a redneck if your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
If you're at a party with more than five people named Chad, get the fuck out right away.
Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.
Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.
I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.
The planets. Now footnote, I’m including Pluto in the planets, because I think it’s terrible what they did to Pluto. And it’s still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?
A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?
With a cheery delicacy she divided my obsessions into three categories: acceptable, unacceptable, and hilarious.
Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There’s no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, “Look, it’s always gonna be me!”