Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1014
In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.
Canada, the drinking age is 18, that’s unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.
I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
I tried to be rigorously honest with my flaws and it was clear that I couldn't be friends with myself.
I am willing to commit espionage against the United States by providing your country with highly classified information.
We've lost our way, I thin. We keep waiting for a wizard to fix it. You know, the Democrats and Republicans - they're not going to fix it. That's just Coke and Pepsi - same crap, different can.
You might be a redneck if... your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.
In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.
When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, "No ... he's dead.''
Perhaps being hated in the right way is preferable to being loved in the wrong one.