Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1016

I’m fascinated by the logic that leads to something.

It's painful, but we can't heal ourselves unless we cleanse the wounds.

By the time I was 7 or 8, I wanted to be a comedy writer.

Honest or not, in what world is a 35:1 leveraged position sane?

Mad Cow Disease? I gotta be afraid of fucking cows now? And Canadian cows, I feel like such a puss.

What was the first cat that talked a human into putting a cat door in?

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

Boy George has been charged with falsely imprisoning a man who'd gone to his apartment to pose for photographs. Going to Boy George's house to get your picture taken is like going to David Copperfield's island for a "radio opportunity".

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

As far as exercising goes... watch for my next book, How I died while Jogging.

Resentments are a waste of time. One day I'll stop resenting myself.

This is TV the way it's supposed to be, ain't it? Let's try on jackets. It's fun!

Boys and girls, maybe you should stay in the house if you're having trouble with the phrases 'hot' and 'tasty.'

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.