Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1016
[about fizzy drinks machines] Who built that machine, to let that can, filled with gas, fall that far? You know, you put in that coin and it's just like *KABOOM!*
Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair.
I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.
They debated NAFTA for a long time: should we sign it or not? Either way the people get fucked. Trade always exists for the traders. Anytime you hear businessmen debating “which policy is better for America,” - don’t bend over.
He admitted this was stupid. It's a very serious offence. I wouldn't consider it a prank. ... It could have turned into something that caused far more injury, and even death, than it did.
Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.
With a cheery delicacy she divided my obsessions into three categories: acceptable, unacceptable, and hilarious.
Whenever I've encountered a Christian saying, 'Why don't you stop talking like that so I can hear you?' I think, 'Well you're the one putting the earmuffs on, but I wish you could hear me because I like you.'
The Greatest Generation gets too much credit. Those World War II guys, if they had all the shit we have today, they'd be assholes too. It's just circumstantial. It's what you're called on to do that makes you great. We haven't been called on to do anything but buy shit and get fat.
I think people are used to people in show business having a lot of hubris. I think I have a normal amount of self-loathing but because I'm in show business it's considered self-deprecation. In normal life I would just be considered your average neurotic.
I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.