Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1016

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.

That's a vicious rumour! A rumour started by a few million people.

The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to.

But there was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

There are also always those burnt, hard kernels at the bottom that don't pop. You know why they don't pop? They don't pop because they have integrity.

The next evolutionary step is into the screen.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

Mad Cow Disease? I gotta be afraid of fucking cows now? And Canadian cows, I feel like such a puss.

I tried to be rigorously honest with my flaws and it was clear that I couldn't be friends with myself.

It sucks being fat, you know.

In school I was never the class clown, but more the class trapeze artist, as I was always being suspended.

I love life! One day maybe it'll be my own.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.