Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1016

My cat’s fully capable of speaking, but he says he’s afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

You know, just right place right time, lucked up. Thank God for animation. I can turn down a lot of movies now.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

I had this whole impression in my head that Arabic was such a horrible language coz its always like "*arab accent* khakhli o kha" no wonder their people are so angry, they are vomiting on each other when they talk.

Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

"Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no (h)arm in it' "

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we’re taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you’ll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn’t easy, but I try - you’ll be just as far ahead as if you’d spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.

You're so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.

I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like, 'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.'

Marriage? That's for life! It's like cement!

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You know, folks, the French have always been reluctant to surrender to the wishes of their friends, and almost anticipatory in their urge to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.