Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1017

Whenever I've encountered a Christian saying, 'Why don't you stop talking like that so I can hear you?' I think, 'Well you're the one putting the earmuffs on, but I wish you could hear me because I like you.'

By the time I was 7 or 8, I wanted to be a comedy writer.

What was the first cat that talked a human into putting a cat door in?

Perhaps depression is a perfectly natural reaction to the human condition.

According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan?

Resentments are a waste of time. One day I'll stop resenting myself.

If frogs could fly... well we'd still be in this mess, but wouldn't it be neat?

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

I like how, when you're talking to someone, the phrase, "I'm sure you understand," really means, "And I don't give a fuck what you think."

“How do you know he wasn’t being sincere, Arj?”

Maniac, depressed, and a schizophrenic. My umbilical cord was a crazy straw.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.

We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.