Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1017
She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.
I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.
You know, just right place right time, lucked up. Thank God for animation. I can turn down a lot of movies now.
The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.
If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.
Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.
There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.
Men watch porn, get their thrills, then feel ashamed. Women watch Oprah, see people feeling ashamed, then get their thrills.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.