Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1017

Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.

I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one.

I love being famous. It validates that I have something to say.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I want to be the greatest actor that ever lived, frankly. I'd love that. But I don't need to be. I just want to be here. That's it.

The amazing thing is there are people who've never left this country who talk about the fact that we're the greatest country on Earth. How fucking dumb is that?! Cuz you don't know, if you haven't left here you don't know. There are countries that may be giving shit away every day! Canada's one of those countries. You know what they give away? Health insurance!

Outgrew the media... The negativity felt like a disease.

But what about the children, Lewis? I can hear some of you asking. What about the children? It's more disturbing to hear adults talking about having seen a tit as shocking and disturbing and indecent than it is for children to see one.

I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.

If I ever get the chance, I'd like to force a mailman to eat his own mail.

I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian?

How about a national day of get drunk and say fuck it.

Go ahead, dumb people, be offended by a joke that doesn't have a plausible premise.

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.