Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1017

And now that you have a child you have to clean up your act, 'cause you can't drink anymore. You can't come home drunk and go, "Hey, here`s a little switch: Daddy's gonna throw up on you!"

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

Girls that prevent other girls from getting laid - twat swatters.

Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?

I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.

Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.

You think the President of the United States wants to fuck every woman he meets?.. Well, bad example.

I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

You might be a redneck if your car has never had a full tank of gas.

In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.

It's painful, but we can't heal ourselves unless we cleanse the wounds.

Whenever I've encountered a Christian saying, 'Why don't you stop talking like that so I can hear you?' I think, 'Well you're the one putting the earmuffs on, but I wish you could hear me because I like you.'

Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family...

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.