Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1015

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.

Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.

55% of all Americans lose their remote control 5 times a week. That means that they must see the same show for up to 3-4 minutes a time!

When I moved in with this lady, I just... I mean, I walked into the bedroom - you know, we're looking at this apartment - and I said, 'What's this handwriting on the wall?'

GOP strategists hope the revelation of Kerry's wealth might debunk his status as a, quote, man of the people, and reveal him to be a bit of a fat cat. Unlike the President who as we all know before attending Andover and Yale, was a Cockney matchstick girl dying of tuberculosis.

Most transvestites fancy girls.

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

I still take the pill because I don't want any more grandchildren.

You got to start by doing little things if your quest is to take over the world.

I like all ladies of all different ages.

There's something weird, something phenomenally dreary about Christian singing. The Gospel singers are the only singers that just go crazy, joyous and it's fucking amazing! And it's born out of kidnapping, imprisonment, slavery, murder, all of that - and this joyous singing!