Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1015

Amtrak announced this week that they plan to install cable TV into their sleeper births. Great. So now you can watch your derailment live on CNN.

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

How is it possible to have a civil war?

This year, I will hug my wife more. Or have my assistant hug her more for me.

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

I can say that. I have a television show.

I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets.

You might be a redneck if you're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.

My Jihad energy drink isn’t going to go. Ramadan noodles, not going to go. My Islamic version of the 3 Stooges, with Mohammed and whatever would be the Islamic version of Larry and Curly...