Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1015
According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan?
The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.
Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.
When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.
Don't worry, as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.
When you're accustomed to doing stand-up, so often you're the only person onstage and it's all your thing. It's very gladiatorial. Obviously, when you're in a scene with somebody, you're supposed to listen and react - and that's a bit of a transition.
If your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat, you might be a redneck.
Yes, okay, it’s cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That’s cool when it’s on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you’re left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn’t have a job… Sweet, that’s a catch.
Sometimes you feel in control, and it's great, but sometimes you just don't feel in control and you really have to struggle to get laughs.
To the point where gender is no longer an issue; if you fuck the elephant man, no one is going to call you fag.
I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.