Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1015

Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.

My cat’s fully capable of speaking, but he says he’s afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.

Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we'll teach him that heart attacks are not like women. You just can't keep having them!

I give money to Unicef because I like the ‘bang for your buck’ aspect. Here’s $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

Look at us - we're a San Francisco wedding cake.

Did you hear what he said before he was elected? He goes, 'I'm going to go through the national budget, line by line, and I'm going to cut out everything we don't need.' Did you see the inauguration? They flew out his high school marching band from Hawaii. Maybe it's me, but shouldn't 30 Hawaiian tuba players be somewhere near the top of the 'Shit We Don't Need' column in the national budget?

I had this whole impression in my head that Arabic was such a horrible language coz its always like "*arab accent* khakhli o kha" no wonder their people are so angry, they are vomiting on each other when they talk.

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.

Sex is for sissies. Real men are into auto-erotic asphyxiation.

But I just think I was lucky enough to figure out early on that I wanted to do comedy, so that's what I put all my effort into.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

Women will soon be able to make their own sperm using their own bone marrow. Is that unbelievable? How unfair is that for us guys, huh? I mean, all these years, we've been in charge of manufacturing and distribution, you know what I'm saying? We provide free delivery and installation…

I love restaurants, and that's the thing now, they always boast about now, restaurants - home made cooking - I don't want home made cooking, that's why I'm here, 'cos I don't like the shit at home! Yeah... you know! And they don't say who's home it is, do they! Could be a mental home, couldn't it!