Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1015
When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.
I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
I was always confused with what was near-sight and what was far-sight. Now I'm not confused at all: I've got both, I don't give a fuck which is which.
After seeing Condit last night, we now realize how great a liar Clinton was.
One night after a show he gave me a gift. When I opened up the bag, he had made out of clay and dried macaroni a model of the universe with the planets and everything. Then in the middle of the model was an action figure with my face on it. I was the center of his universe.
Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.
It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life..."
I tell people all the time, as I was going through my process of being a comedian or being an actor and a writer at 'SNL,' I tell people that everything you do is all a piece of your puzzle to determine where you're going to end up at.