Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 102
If some unemployed punk in New Jersey, can get a cassette to make love to Elle McPherson for $19.95, this virtual reality stuff is going to make crack look like Sanka.
We're fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we'd be fighting if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize.
Rap videos confuse me cause they have to be continued at the end but the never make a sequel. Where’s the second video? There’s so much suspense! I need to know are they goin keep pourin champagne on these bitches? What’s going to happen to that guy’s rims? Are they big enough for him?
It's work having a vagina. Guys don't think that its work but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn't. Every night it's like getting it ready for its first Quinceanera, believe me.
Poor Michael Jackson and these sex allegations. As if it’s not bad enough him being a Jehova’s Witness, they’re accusing him of behaving like a catholic priest!
It's like my brain and my penis are locked in a chess match, and I'm letting him win.
Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!
The Aston Martin is a beautiful car. It's a work of art, I love the interior and the style of the car.
My grandparents - life was food. I go, 'Grandma, I don't feel well. I'm suicidal.' She says, 'You're hungry. You're just hungry.'
You know we have more prescription drugs now. Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad. I can’t watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases. Like: “Do you ever wake up tired in the mornings?” Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have this.
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.
You're all gonna die. Then you'll be dead for way longer than you're alive, like that's mostly what you're ever gonna be. You're just dead people that didn't die yet.
One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like "hey, there's an asshole."