Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 102
If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
"I stood on a stone fish once." "Oh yeah, how was it?" "Worst fucking pain known to man." "Have you known a lot of pain?" "Aye, I fell off my bike once."
I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.
What is that fucking dot on Indian guy's heads? I know what it is. It's a camera. That's why they work at 7-11. Don't steal shit. They got your ass on camera.
Nobody's ever challenged me and tapped into what I can do. I ain't played a villain which I believe I can do and do real well. There hasn't been any director who has been able to challenge me to go there. At this point in my life I've done a lot of things from stand-up to my own television show for five years to successful comedy shows, and concert films.
A weird sort of awareness set in, like, 'Wow. My stand-up isn't just separate from everything else I do anymore.' With Twitter and Face book, everything is universal that everything everybody says gets seen.
Back when we were tots there was always that one kid in school, that one kid in class, that smelt like piss. Right, Robby was his name, Robby or Obby, he was an Obby name. And Obby didn't just smell like a hint of piss, he didn't smell like a smidgen of piss, that kid smelt like he was dipped in a vat of piss, like he woke up in the morning and said "Woooo! Bring on the piss!" and someone brought on the piss. I don't know who'd bring piss on but you can pretty much hire anyone on Google these days. Just type in "piss painters" or something I'm sure somebody will come over and coat you down with a sheet off piss for a reasonable price.
Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!
You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
First it was the priests, then the thing with the boy scouts, and then it was Michael - now, it's the priests. It seems like every time adults are really hanging out with these boys - if this stuff is so prevalent, maybe we should stop pointing the finger at the adults, start looking at these sexy-ass boys.
There are more whipped guys on television than there were on the Amistad.
The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions.