Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 102
There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn't share it with the rest of us.
You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.
I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.
Back when we were tots there was always that one kid in school, that one kid in class, that smelt like piss. Right, Robby was his name, Robby or Obby, he was an Obby name. And Obby didn't just smell like a hint of piss, he didn't smell like a smidgen of piss, that kid smelt like he was dipped in a vat of piss, like he woke up in the morning and said "Woooo! Bring on the piss!" and someone brought on the piss. I don't know who'd bring piss on but you can pretty much hire anyone on Google these days. Just type in "piss painters" or something I'm sure somebody will come over and coat you down with a sheet off piss for a reasonable price.
I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot of Eastern philosophy and I meditate.
I don't know how many sacred cows there are today. I think there's a little confusion between humor and gross passing for humor. That's kind of regrettable.
And the Pope is infallible. We're taught that. Pope can't make a mistake. So I don't know why the Catholic church just doesn't take that motherfucker to Vegas. 'All right, put all the Catholic Church's money on 17 black.' '32 red, I'm sorry.' 'No, I don't think you heard, he said 17 black! Thank you! Let's go to Bellagio!' That way they could pay off those debts they owe.
The Aston Martin is a beautiful car. It's a work of art, I love the interior and the style of the car.
I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boos was trying to say? "Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law."
"It's the violence in the media that's the problem..." No, the problem is a lot of your kids are dicks and you won't do shit about it.
My grandparents - life was food. I go, 'Grandma, I don't feel well. I'm suicidal.' She says, 'You're hungry. You're just hungry.'
Look, this is an odd question, but you're kind of cute and you're pretty nice to me. Are you drunk? It's OK if you are.