Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 103
Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.
There are more whipped guys on television than there were on the Amistad.
Love is man's natural endowment, but he doesn't know how to use it. He refuses to recognize the power of love because of his love of power.
During the second world war Pope Pius the 12th was supposed to apologise not apologise, he was supposed to castigate Hitler for being a genocidal fuck-head with bunny rabbit ears. Um, but he didn't say that; he wimped out, and he's been renamed now, as Pope Gutless Barstard the first.
How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy? Like 12? I've got a cousin who is 18... Yeah, still believes in gay marriage.
"It's the violence in the media that's the problem..." No, the problem is a lot of your kids are dicks and you won't do shit about it.
When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. Done!
Oprah didn't just bring herself, she brought her celebrity friends, because when Oprah says, "Jump," they say, "Which couch?"
I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon.
If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
I look at it like that word, 'nigger', used to be a word of oppression. But that when I say it, it feels more like an act of freedom. For me to be able to say that unapologetically on television.
Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn't tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to do.
I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot of Eastern philosophy and I meditate.