Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 103

"It's the violence in the media that's the problem..." No, the problem is a lot of your kids are dicks and you won't do shit about it.

You know we have more prescription drugs now. Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad. I can’t watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases. Like: “Do you ever wake up tired in the mornings?” Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have this.

There are more whipped guys on television than there were on the Amistad.

Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn't tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to do.

My grandparents - life was food. I go, 'Grandma, I don't feel well. I'm suicidal.' She says, 'You're hungry. You're just hungry.'

George Bush inspired me because I was like hey I can do that.

I look at it like that word, 'nigger', used to be a word of oppression. But that when I say it, it feels more like an act of freedom. For me to be able to say that unapologetically on television.

But there are some nice aspects during the transition period. For example, the Bush twins gave the Obama girls a tour of the White House. It was very sweet, but the Obama girls got really scared because they heard creepy organ music coming from Cheney's underground lair.

Death is nature's way of telling us to slow down.

The Aston Martin is a beautiful car. It's a work of art, I love the interior and the style of the car.

Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts.

During the second world war Pope Pius the 12th was supposed to apologise not apologise, he was supposed to castigate Hitler for being a genocidal fuck-head with bunny rabbit ears. Um, but he didn't say that; he wimped out, and he's been renamed now, as Pope Gutless Barstard the first.

Virus is a Latin word used by doctors to mean 'your guess is as good as mine.'

So, is there hope for a truly democratic Africa? Long answer: Only if continent-wide improvements in education, human rights and public health are coupled with an aggressive and far-sighted debt-relief program that breaks the cycle of subsistence farming and urban squalor. Short answer: No.

The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions.