Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 103

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

You can be cool and at the same time respect your woman, who will hopefully become your wife, who will hopefully become the mother of your kids. America needs to get back to family values.

I was a physical education major with a child psychology minor at Temple, which means if you ask me a question about a child's behavior, I will advise you to tell the child to take a lap.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

I ate too much and masturbated too recently, you know? It's bad to like jerk off and run out the door, 'cause you run into somebody. "Oh, she knows..." You got to take some time alone to process the shame.

The interesting thing about improvisation is you're making something up in front of the audience. Now music helps you out a little bit because you have an instrument that'll separate you from the audience.

You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym!

I think it's weird that one group took refracted light. Pretty greedy, gays.

If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?

Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.

Virus is a Latin word used by doctors to mean 'your guess is as good as mine.'

When they turn 26, women start asking really weird questions like, "Where are we? Where are we?" Bitch, we at Red Lobster. Why you tripping?

You know what music is - a harmonic connection between all living beings.

That's what they want: two women. Fellas, I think that's a bit lofty. Because, come on, think about it - if you can't satisfy that one woman, why do you want to piss off another one? Why have two angry women in the bed with you at the same time? And think about it - you know how much you hate to talk after sex, imagine having two women just nagging you to death.

You only live once, but once is more than enough if you live it well!