Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1031

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

You might be a redneck if there are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.

You think the President of the United States wants to fuck every woman he meets?.. Well, bad example.

You might be a redneck if the Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to.

If you come home to a household of chaos and anger and fear, you're not going to feel protected from the world.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

I’m thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.

I’m fascinated by the logic that leads to something.

Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family...

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.

I'm proud to be part of a generation where reading is a 'look.'

As far as exercising goes... watch for my next book, How I died while Jogging.