Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1031

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

I expected to much from my expectations fast and I'm all screwed up again... but I expected that to happen.

Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"

I used to binge-eat and make myself throw up. I was a fat kid. Obviously I didn’t quite master the bulimia.

You might be a redneck if you have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.

Memories, priceless. Well not really priceless, but there you go!

Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

I was made to believe that my life was going to be fixed and it wasn't. I'm still the same loser who had flown to Los Angeles on my sister's frequent flier miles just six days before.

Have you guys flown since 11-9? I’m European.

If you get anything creative going, then the work and play thing is the same thing, I feel.

MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.

Go ahead, dumb people, be offended by a joke that doesn't have a plausible premise.

To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.

I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world.'