Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1031
There is nothing interesting about just seeing me doing the show then seeing the fans and how much people love me.
Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they'll be able to address the viewers by name.
I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.
North Korea are testing nuclear weapons. Why? Don’t worry Korea! Nobody wants to get you. That’s like Ann Widdecombe buying a rape alarm.
I give money to Unicef because I like the ‘bang for your buck’ aspect. Here’s $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
When you speak directly at things and don't say you're going to try to do something or that you hope to do something, the universe will work with you. Think about it this way - a boomerang goes out and comes back to you if you throw it. If you throw it out at the universe, it will come back down to you on Earth.
Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun".
I want to do a reality show based on “The Mole” but it’s really about sexually transmitted diseases. And it’s called, “God, I Hope That’s a Mole.”
50% of Americas population spends less than 10 dollars a month on romance. You know what we call these people? Men!
Do men who have plastic surgery want to look like a ventriloquist dummy under water, or does it just come out that way?