Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1032

I get happier every day. I have a sense of accomplishment every day of my life.

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair.

We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.

I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.

There's been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It's really easy to say, 'Well, you're Christian, you're anti-this and that, and I hate you.' But to me, it's more interesting to say, 'What is this person like and how do they really think?'

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family...

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.

George Bush hates midgets.

You can’t become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

The cop gets to the window and says the same thing that they all say, right, "Do you know why I stopped you?" It was too easy. I looked at him and I said, "'Cause you can smell it."