Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1032
If you want to get rid of stuff, you can always do a good spring-cleaning. Or you can do what I do. Move.
Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.
The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I’ve done my job.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
It is incredible to me that the whole street has to listen to your fucking dog.
If you're in a room with Britney Spears, you just want to say, "What did you shave your head for, love?"
To a heckler: I, sir, am heterosexual, and one day I will show you the statistics and make you weep.
My mother calls at five-thirty in the morning. I'm not a dairy farm. I don't like phone calls before six in the morning.
Dell Computers announced they're releasing a competitor for the iPad. Now it is, in fact, a great alternative for people who already have an iPad, but are fed up with it working all the time.
It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain’s been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No.
North Korea are testing nuclear weapons. Why? Don’t worry Korea! Nobody wants to get you. That’s like Ann Widdecombe buying a rape alarm.
You don’t mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don’t want to be inside of.