Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1032

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

The Catholic Church is still very angry about "The Da Vinci Code" - they don't like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

I had five dollars in the bank that I couldn't have for three days until they charged me another 15. Leaving me with -10. What does that mean? I don't even have no money any more. I wish I had nothing. But I don't have it. I don't have that much. I have not ten. Negative ten. I can't afford to buy something that doesn't cost anything. I can only afford to get something that costs you give me ten dollars.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

You might be a redneck if you think a "quarter horse" is that ride in front of K-Mart.

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

So, do you live around here often?

I was what they call a “fussy eater.” ‘He’s fussy! He’s a fussy eater!’ “Fussy eater” is a euphemism for “Big pain in the ass.”