Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1032

British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don't you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut.

I'm passionate about gay rights, but I think we need admit that there are some gay wrongs as well.

A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

And I've always been paranoid. I can remember as a baby my mother would spin the mobile above my head and thinking..."yeah, that's coming down."

I have no money. I don’t even have a savings account cause I don’t know my mother’s maiden name and apparently that’s the key to whole thing.

“How do you know he wasn’t being sincere, Arj?”

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. “Is it Scotch?”, I asked. “Why?” the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?”. “In that case, have you got any wild duck?”. “No”, he responded, “but I’ve got one I could aggravate for you”

Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

Remember that guy who got gored by a bull and the bull pulled his underwear off and he had to run around the ring naked? If that footage comes out, I'll run that.

My ideal groupie would be quite emotionally distant…

Memories, priceless. Well not really priceless, but there you go!

I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.