Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1030

You might be a redneck if you use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.

I'm not religious anymore, but I think it's like papal infallibility, which is a ridiculous man-made tenet, like what I believe most religious tenets to be, are man-made after the fact.

You might be a redneck if the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.

I still take the pill because I don't want any more grandchildren.

Big, skinny, regular size it doesn’t matter as long as your young.

Being a white supremacist is like getting into porn. At some point you gotta be like, "what the fuck was I thinking?"

Donald Glover staying hotter than some rifle spit

In no way was I intending to say, nor have I ever thought, that the men and women who defend our nation in uniform are anything but courageous and valiant, and I offer my apologies to anyone who took it wrong.

Zsa Zsa Gabor, the only woman ever to apply for group alimony. Never got a dinner!

I have no regrets mainly because my memory is shot.

Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?

Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.