Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1030

I was at peace with it; I'd taken his hatred and insecurity-driven malice and turned it into fame, money, and of course, pussy.

There's been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It's really easy to say, 'Well, you're Christian, you're anti-this and that, and I hate you.' But to me, it's more interesting to say, 'What is this person like and how do they really think?'

What hair color do they put on the driver's license's of bald men?

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.

The next evolutionary step is into the screen.

Honest or not, in what world is a 35:1 leveraged position sane?

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

I think you're retarded, and not in the cute way.

Hundreds of barefoot Filipinos marched on the roads through the Philippines carrying heavy wooden crosses and whipping their backs until they bled to prepare for Easter. Call me old-fashioned but I just like coloring the eggs.

For my sake I hope this is the first day of somebody else's life.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."