Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1030
Having my daughter I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.
But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.
Do men who have plastic surgery want to look like a ventriloquist dummy under water, or does it just come out that way?
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.
I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'
RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they’ve launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.
I still take the pill because I don't want any more grandchildren.
I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.
I tell people all the time, as I was going through my process of being a comedian or being an actor and a writer at 'SNL,' I tell people that everything you do is all a piece of your puzzle to determine where you're going to end up at.
The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
I love autumn in New York City: The yellows, the browns, and the rust - and that’s just the drinking water... Here in New York City, the leaves turn - and run.