Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1030

If it is now socially acceptable for women to get fake boobs and fake lips and fake noses, why the fuck can't I get antlers?

Maniac, depressed, and a schizophrenic. My umbilical cord was a crazy straw.

Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.

I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Screw that, I'll just make a copy!"

When we were growing up our parents somehow made it clear that being famous was good. And I mistakenly thought that if I was famous then everyone would love me.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Memories, priceless. Well not really priceless, but there you go!

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans...

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

If you're in a room with Britney Spears, you just want to say, "What did you shave your head for, love?"

Here's what the right-wing has in, there's no shortage of the natural resources of ignorance, apathy, hate, fear. As long as those things are in the collective conscious and unconscious, the Republicans will have some votes.

It's no different. It's not like I ever cursed around my mother or anything. I never had a hard time turning it on and off. It's like you enter another country - sometimes you're in a cursing country and then you're in a kid's country.