Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1034

I’m thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.

In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

It's painful, but we can't heal ourselves unless we cleanse the wounds.

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

You might be a redneck if your wedding was held in the delivery room.

The laughs are honestly bigger, ... They are the kind of unexpected belly laughs you get with your friends during conversation.

If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.

A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.

If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.

A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that.

When we’re picking someone who we want to spend a lot of time with, even perhaps for the rest of our lives, we generally try to pick someone who likes to do the things we like to do.