Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1034

I love autumn in New York City: The yellows, the browns, and the rust - and that’s just the drinking water... Here in New York City, the leaves turn - and run.

We can sit and worry about what's going to happen to us two weeks from now. I'd rather focus on the amazing things happening right in front of us.

I've heard lots of people lie to themselves but they never fool anyone.

(On the Edinburgh Festival) I must get some kind of masochistic pleasure out of it. But I have no idea why I go there. No idea at all.

It's easier to cancel a show if it's expensive.

This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.

I’m fascinated by the logic that leads to something.

In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

On a scale of 1 to 10 I give scales of 1 to 10 a 3.

The cop gets to the window and says the same thing that they all say, right, "Do you know why I stopped you?" It was too easy. I looked at him and I said, "'Cause you can smell it."

A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.

If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.