Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1034

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets...

I would imagine the wages of sin are death. But by the time they take taxes out it’s just kind of a tired feeling.

You don't have anything; you don't own anything.

When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.

Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.

I love clothes, so when I wear clothes, they're usually somebody's. You know, I'm not wearing Kmart.

I'm just lucky to know someone that's that sweet and pretty.

At this point in time, that's like saying you're not 'into the phone.'

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?