Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1034
(On the Edinburgh Festival) I must get some kind of masochistic pleasure out of it. But I have no idea why I go there. No idea at all.
You might be a redneck if you've ever been arrested for loitering.
I get happier every day. I have a sense of accomplishment every day of my life.
Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair.
I’m more of a glass empty kinda guy. I look at it as having more room for ice.
There's been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It's really easy to say, 'Well, you're Christian, you're anti-this and that, and I hate you.' But to me, it's more interesting to say, 'What is this person like and how do they really think?'
Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.
As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.
The cop gets to the window and says the same thing that they all say, right, "Do you know why I stopped you?" It was too easy. I looked at him and I said, "'Cause you can smell it."
I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.