Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1034

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.

I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.

You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.

I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell "fire."

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

Hooray for most things!

I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.

When we started this show, my hair was black and the president was white. When we started the show, Jon and Kate were both eight.

They come over and they go, 'Why don't you come over on Friday night? We're gonna have a bunch of people over. We're gonna have game night. It's gonna be nutty.' Unless we're playing 'Who's Hiding the Ecstasy?' I'm not gonna make it, OK? 'Cause that's my favorite game.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

I’m not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?

I’m sick and tired of people bashing this great land of ours. People call us lazy. We’re not lazy folks. We’ve only been in this country for 300 years. We’ve built nuclear weapons plants, malls, factories. We’re not lazy, we’re done.