Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1035

Everything that’s difficult you should be able to laugh about.

People love gossip. It's the biggest thing that keeps the entertainment industry going.

Maniac, depressed, and a schizophrenic. My umbilical cord was a crazy straw.

The best tip for insomnia for me is not trying to sleep.

If someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle, you might be a redneck.

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

“I’ve got a little baby, I made him…He doesn’t speak, he’s 2…He’s a slow learner, he’s only got 2 words…car and map…I’m slightly worried he’s trying to escape. If his next word is passport we are in serious trouble!”

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

If I need directions, I’m not asking a man with one tooth. I’m asking a man with one leg. Because he definitely knows the easiest way to get there.

You know that if you leave your underwear on a plane, things did not go the way you intended.

To a heckler: I, sir, am heterosexual, and one day I will show you the statistics and make you weep.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women.

MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.

There’s a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin’s theory of evolution - ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’