Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1035

The kind of beautiful that if your life ever flashed before your eyes you'd have to stop at that part and beat off.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn't.

What’s a Jewish mobster? I’m going to break the legs of your therapist.

Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.

If somebody calls and messes with you on the phone like that you don't become terrified, you mess back. If somebody calls and was like "have you checked the children?" I'd be like "I killed them!"

I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M & M's one by one with a glass of water.

My mother calls at five-thirty in the morning. I'm not a dairy farm. I don't like phone calls before six in the morning.

If I ever get the chance, I'd like to force a mailman to eat his own mail.

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

TLC should stand for Toddlers, Lunatics, and Cake.

Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they'll be able to address the viewers by name.

We live in a world where people will have a GPS and a crucifix on the same dashboard - and you want me to have hope for these fucking monkeys on swing-sets?

I give money to Unicef because I like the ‘bang for your buck’ aspect. Here’s $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!