Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1033
I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.
I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try it on with me more than I'm comfortable with. It's strange, because I think I look like a troll wearing a woman's wig backwards.
It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I still take the pill because I don't want any more grandchildren.
I tell people all the time, as I was going through my process of being a comedian or being an actor and a writer at 'SNL,' I tell people that everything you do is all a piece of your puzzle to determine where you're going to end up at.
Zsa Zsa Gabor, the only woman ever to apply for group alimony. Never got a dinner!
Life is too short to waste your time, energy and love on a fucking asshole.
I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.
You think the President of the United States wants to fuck every woman he meets?.. Well, bad example.
I’m more of a glass empty kinda guy. I look at it as having more room for ice.