Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1033

Maniac, depressed, and a schizophrenic. My umbilical cord was a crazy straw.

If you think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup, you might be a redneck.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

If I need directions, I’m not asking a man with one tooth. I’m asking a man with one leg. Because he definitely knows the easiest way to get there.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans...

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.

Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they'll be able to address the viewers by name.

Where am I, anyhow? I mean, what happened to everybody?

North Korea are testing nuclear weapons. Why? Don’t worry Korea! Nobody wants to get you. That’s like Ann Widdecombe buying a rape alarm.

There’s a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin’s theory of evolution - ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’

When you speak directly at things and don't say you're going to try to do something or that you hope to do something, the universe will work with you. Think about it this way - a boomerang goes out and comes back to you if you throw it. If you throw it out at the universe, it will come back down to you on Earth.

You might be a redneck if your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

I want to do a reality show based on “The Mole” but it’s really about sexually transmitted diseases. And it’s called, “God, I Hope That’s a Mole.”