Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1033
I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
Humans are born, small, weak and helpless. That's why we have family. And the elders of the family are the honoured guardians of our country's history. Unfortunately, in America, we, you know, lock those elders away out of view in nursing homes and go about our little lives. It's a great national shame and an irredeemable tragedy. Oh well.
When you and your friends are just hanging out, you don't consider your buddies to have one specific style of comedy, you just like to shoot the shit, and whatever is funny works. And that's my mentality on stage. I don't care to be like "I'm the performer. Sit, listen, and laugh." I want it to feel like we're all just hanging out. And that's how I tell my stories.
That's right. It turns out we've all been taking relationship advice from the fat middle-aged, bald guy who drives a Ferrari!
Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.
This year, I'm celebratedp our independence the old fashioned way: I made fun of fatties at the water park.
If security guards aren’t allowed to carry guns, I don’t have to obey their made up rules.
'The ruckus' is different experiences you go through throughout your life which builds your ruckus points up - your tolerance. You've got to have a high tolerance for dealing with stuff all the time.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.
I definitely have breast envy. When teenage girls were saying 'I wish I had breasts', I was thinking the same thing.