Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1037

You might be a redneck if there are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

They debated NAFTA for a long time: should we sign it or not? Either way the people get fucked. Trade always exists for the traders. Anytime you hear businessmen debating “which policy is better for America,” - don’t bend over.

If you come home to a household of chaos and anger and fear, you're not going to feel protected from the world.

The next evolutionary step is into the screen.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I'm proud to be part of a generation where reading is a 'look.'

The cop gets to the window and says the same thing that they all say, right, "Do you know why I stopped you?" It was too easy. I looked at him and I said, "'Cause you can smell it."

I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.

If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.

I am the Saudi Arabia of unhappiness. I have so many reserves of misery that you wouldn't understand. I actually think that's part of why I connect with Canadians. I think they understand grinding misery underneath.

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

Don't smoke pot. Don't bitch. Don't give up. Go on stage anywhere. Try, fail, repeat.

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

Lindsay Lohan fell in love while in rehab. Who wouldn’t? You share meals together, gaze into each other’s eyes, talk about your feelings and share one romantic sunset after another - for roughly $50,000 a month. Pretty pricey, considering a month of eHarmony.com is only $21.

That which does not kill you isn't finished.