Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1037
This is TV the way it's supposed to be, ain't it? Let's try on jackets. It's fun!
I can't stop some idiot from crashing into a building or blowing up a bus, I can only be your dad and give you a few pure truths. Number one, duct tape will save your life. Number two, Tupac is alive, but I need you to keep that on the DL because of Suge. And number three, don't be afraid of anything - except the television news because they're lying to you every night.
When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
A lot of people were surprised that Ford picked Nelson Rockefeller to run with him. After all, Rocky had tried to get the job of president three times himself. That's like asking Morris the Cat to watch your tuna salad.
It's really the kids that do you in. We have two kids. That's fucking stupid. Don't do that.
I just think they should get a fair shake. They didn't. They didn't have the rights regular criminals get.
Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.
There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.
Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.
Tittie bars got weird morality. One time I walked into a tittie bar - all these guys coming in, right? Out of these dudes, the bouncer picked me out of the crowd and started yelling at me. “Hey Buddy! Sir! Sir! You wanna take your hat off? It’s disrespectful to the ladies.” Yeah, I can shove a twenty up her ass but I better not have a hat on when I do it.