Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1037

You got to start by doing little things if your quest is to take over the world.

To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.

There's something weird, something phenomenally dreary about Christian singing. The Gospel singers are the only singers that just go crazy, joyous and it's fucking amazing! And it's born out of kidnapping, imprisonment, slavery, murder, all of that - and this joyous singing!

Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

My family wasn't the Brady Bunch. They were the Broody Bunch.

You think I'm overdressed? This is just my slip.

Even people who don’t believe in science still have to believe in gravity.

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.

That's a vicious rumour! A rumour started by a few million people.

But there was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.

I can't control what people think this was. I can only tell you my intentions. This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith. Or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do. But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies.

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.