Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1046

My relatives all put in chips in their TV's to block my appearances.

Here's what the right-wing has in, there's no shortage of the natural resources of ignorance, apathy, hate, fear. As long as those things are in the collective conscious and unconscious, the Republicans will have some votes.

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.

You'll tell all your friends but I don't give a shit, I don't know your friends. And besides, how much pussy do you get on referral?

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

I have three kids, the oldest is 18 and her friends are going to see it The Aristocrats because they told her they're going to see it, especially her guy friends.

Yeah... Just get your shit together and start booking yourself again.

William Tell’s son, Telly, who said as his father was pointing the bow and arrow at the apple on his head, "There’s gotta be an easier way to kill worms." Never got a dinner!

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

Like it or not, we’re still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."

Do men who have plastic surgery want to look like a ventriloquist dummy under water, or does it just come out that way?