Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1046
I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.
I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like "Ladies and Gentlemen". That'll be a cool name for a kid. "This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen!" Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please!"
He doesn't understand the subtleties of slights and pains, that it is not the big events that hurt the most but rather the smallest questionable shift in tone at the end of a spoken word that can plow most deeply into the heart.
I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.
If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.
A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that.
Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
Don't smoke pot. Don't bitch. Don't give up. Go on stage anywhere. Try, fail, repeat.
If you have to work at feeling lust towards your significant other maybe it is time to get a day job.
I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added "ish" to every number.
I like how, when you're talking to someone, the phrase, "I'm sure you understand," really means, "And I don't give a fuck what you think."
My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.