Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1046

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake?

You might be a redneck if you think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

I think you're retarded, and not in the cute way.

You don't have anything; you don't own anything.

According to geologists, about 100 million years from now, Asia and the Americas will smash together to form one giant supercontinent. The good news: Maybe all those jobs that went over there will finally come back.

They come over and they go, 'Why don't you come over on Friday night? We're gonna have a bunch of people over. We're gonna have game night. It's gonna be nutty.' Unless we're playing 'Who's Hiding the Ecstasy?' I'm not gonna make it, OK? 'Cause that's my favorite game.

At this point in time, that's like saying you're not 'into the phone.'

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

Next time there's a riot somewhere in the world, don't fire tear gas at people like they're animals, just release Mike Tyson from the back of a truck so he can walk amongst the crowd and watch people jump back and part like the Red Sea going, 'Holy shit! This has gotten out of hand...'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

I'm like oysters; a few people claim they're a delicacy, but most people find the idea of putting one in their mouth disgusting.

“I’ve got a little baby, I made him…He doesn’t speak, he’s 2…He’s a slow learner, he’s only got 2 words…car and map…I’m slightly worried he’s trying to escape. If his next word is passport we are in serious trouble!”