Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1046

There's been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It's really easy to say, 'Well, you're Christian, you're anti-this and that, and I hate you.' But to me, it's more interesting to say, 'What is this person like and how do they really think?'

It's nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here. Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!

Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says "Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit."

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

You know what I like to do when I'm at Blockbuster? You know the quick- drop that they have there? I like to stick my penis in there. And then look at the help and say, "Have you seen this, is this any good?"

Just got an email from a necrophiliac wishing me dead. Hey, thanks for the compliment!

It sucks being fat, you know.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

That which does not kill you isn't finished.

(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."