Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1046

Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

I thought the purpose of education was to learn to think for yourself.

She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.

My wife loves me for what I could've been.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it -- build a house! Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.

Sorry, Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someones getting hurt.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

You see the button with the guy with the tray, and you push it, AND HE ARRIVES WITH A SANDWICH! ...And you think: "Yes! Yes! I control sandwich monkey! I live in magic land, magic land, magic land"

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

I can't stop some idiot from crashing into a building or blowing up a bus, I can only be your dad and give you a few pure truths. Number one, duct tape will save your life. Number two, Tupac is alive, but I need you to keep that on the DL because of Suge. And number three, don't be afraid of anything - except the television news because they're lying to you every night.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

If I don't take anything that I say seriously only an idiot would.

My girlfriend’s a redhead; No hair, just a red head.