Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1045

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Just every moment with Dick Cheney has been my favorite. Here's what I wonder about Dick Cheney, and the reason that maybe they keep him only in loyalty oath audiences, is if he becomes angry, I do believe he turns into the Hulk. And so, they try and keep people from questioning him, because he'll just - the shirt rips, and suddenly he has hair. So he's been my favorite, because he just goes out there to a room full of supporters and says, 'You know we're all going to die, right?' You're going to die unless I'm in charge.'

Aladdin, who said to his wife, "I know it’s not a lamp, keep rubbing!" Never got a dinner!

Noah’s wife, who said to him after 40 days and 40 nights, "It’s your turn to spread the papers on the floor!" Never got a dinner!

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life..."

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

I love Steven Wright.

But sometimes the women writers will pitch something and I'll hear it, but the men will keep talking.

The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.