Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1045
They say the measure of a man is judged by the company he keeps. I'm fucked.
This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.
Having my daughter I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Do men who have plastic surgery want to look like a ventriloquist dummy under water, or does it just come out that way?
Montovani? They play Montovani to insomniacs that don't respond to strong drugs.
Our grocery store now has self-checkout, "for your convenience." It's like getting punched in the throat, "for your comfort."
Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.
My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.