Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1045

Woman are always thinking. Always. Their brains are continuously working. They are just thinking of shit all the time. Right now Vicky could be looking at the stage and thinking "I wonder what the stage is made out of. Is that microphone heavy? What if its a heavy microphone."

She was an egomaniac. We would make love. She went, 'I only want to make love on my good side.' She would have an orgasm and say, 'I love me.'

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.

Fall is my favourite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change colour and fall from the trees.

A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot."

This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

I just imagine the inventor of tube socks looking at the heel of his foot and thinking, "Fuck you, pal."

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

Don't expect life to care about your expectations, just boast about the failures.

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Zsa Zsa Gabor, the only woman ever to apply for group alimony. Never got a dinner!

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.