Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1063
The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.
[after catching his daughter dating a teenage boy]<br /> From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!
Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets...
I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
For my sake I hope this is the first day of somebody else's life.
Next time there's a riot somewhere in the world, don't fire tear gas at people like they're animals, just release Mike Tyson from the back of a truck so he can walk amongst the crowd and watch people jump back and part like the Red Sea going, 'Holy shit! This has gotten out of hand...'
No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be smart and funny - it's delicate to host an awards show and know where your place is and know that it's not about you, that it's about the people who are nominated, and respect that, but at the same time have your moment to show them who you are.
Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.
Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.