Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1063
Life is a little easier for attractive people, can we admit that? Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, "Oh, they're nice," but if the stranger's ugly, you're like, "What do they want? Get away from me weirdo."
At no time do I come from a cynical point of view. I'm coming from a concerned point of view.
I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
You might be a redneck if you burn your front yard rather than mow it.
It's nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here. Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
We go out of our way to make people so different,... to punish them because of color, because of sex, because of size, and the game starts.
Yeah, let me give it a shot! The other, a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there’s just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I’m all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, “Car break down?” I said, “Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!” Here’s your sign!
On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!