Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1096

You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is "Be a better lover". Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That’s why I’m a bad lover? Do you have a pill that’s gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

I'm no quitter, unless it comes to human relationships or math and science.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...

I don’t feel those limits when I’m on stage. For some reason, audiences let me get away with things. Remember, it’s all comedy. Words. Thoughts. All thoughts are safe and worth exploring.

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.