Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1096
I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates.
I meet so many young folks who say, “If I got to go and die in a war at 18, I want the right to vote at 18.” Don’t be no damn fool. You got to die at 18, you better fight to get the right to vote at 17.
We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find it!
You find out that all this stuff you've accumulated, you could care less about it. It's just the relationships that matter.
For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.
[about cigarettes] The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin.
People who call themselves divas...you are not a diva. I'm pretty sure you're a cunt.
I slept really well last night, I slept like a baby: I pissed the bed four times... and woke up crying five.
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
Feeling in love and fear feel a lot alike. They both give you that anxious butterfly feeling in your stomach, a sense of excitement, and a general unease physically and mentally. It's easy to confuse love with fear.