Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1096

I'll speak for me, though it's hard for me to speak for myself because I don't know who I am.

Surfing is both an ideological and semantic sin against nature.

I’m the munter of my friends. I’ve got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I’m a heart-throb.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

I say at this point, for different reasons, Bush and Hussein are both very threatening to world peace and to deny that is to be incredibly naive.

She was so ugly that she has a face like a boiled boot and a tongue long enough to lace it up.

Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?

Gluten free pizza elicits the same response at a hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80’s

I have a feeling I'm going to wake up one day and say "I can't do dirty stuff anymore, I want to go all clean". I'll do clean stuff too, I like to entertain people. Then they egged me on; we shot it at The Laugh Factory.

We women have to stick together.

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.

Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.

I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted "Bingo!" counted as a yea or a nay.

The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you’ve ever been there, you’ll realize that that’s maybe a bit long.