Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1096
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.
I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.
I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?
The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.
Every group of brothers should have at least one white guy in it. Im serious for safety, cuz when the shit goes down someone is gonna need to talk to the police.
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.
I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, "100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer..." Dad, you know, keeping up with the song.
Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.'
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
I see those picketers, and I think you know, if I weren't a loving, non-violent, spiritual person, I would really go over there and grab those signs and smash them over their heads and shove them up their asses. But... I'm a loving, spiritual person.