Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1096

Until I was thirteen I thought my name was Shutup.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

You might be a redneck if your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."

You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!

I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I’ve found that if that’s all you have, you can’t get it out.

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

Anyone who is elected mayor of a place called "Sin City" is allowed to be a drunk.

We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find it!

She was so ugly that she has a face like a boiled boot and a tongue long enough to lace it up.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’